I've Never Clicked With AA

OK boys and girls, yesterday after I dropped off my little princess and her boyfriend at home from the airport, I did get to see my shrink Dr. C, and I have to say, that it was great. He was very happy that I have been sober for 1 month and 2 days… but… you know that there is always a big fat BUT… BUT… he asked me if I had been going to AA meetings, as he previously suggested. At which time I didn’t want my nose to grow, so I said no. Plus I don’t hide shit from him, because if I do, then he won’t be able to help my crazy ass.

You see, the thing is, that even though 8 years ago, I voluntarily put myself in a 30 days inpatient alcohol rehab facility in upstate New York for my weekend binge drinking, and I stayed sober for 5 years after that, I have never been able to click with Alcoholic Anonymous. Dr C knows this, because he became my shrink, right after I was released from rehab for good behavior… OK, after my 30 days were up.

OK, I’m not gonna go into deep, deep details here, but let me put it the same way that I put it to Dr C. My balls were getting literally irritated, every time that the same people, who have been sober for 5, 10, 15 and even 20 years, kept sharing the same old stories at different meetings, and started to cry, like the shit just happened yesterday. I mean, if I had been sober for so many years, trust me, I would have been crying… but from so much fucking joy, not sadness. So, I got tired of the same shit, and that is the reason why I never clicked with AA.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Today I have Been Sober For 1 Month And 3 Days!

I'm Off To See My Shrink

Later today, when I get released from the salt mines for good behavior. I’m heading straight to see my shrink Dr. C. I know that he is going to be pleased with me, because I’ve stayed sober since I saw him last month. But one thing that I will be talking to him about is, my uncontrollable worrying and overthinking things. I know that I don’t have control over everything that will happen in life, but sometimes, my OCD plays tricks on.

Aside from the crazy meds, I really like talk therapy, because when I walk out of Dr. C’s office, it feels like if a ton of bricks was lifted from my shoulders.

OK kids, forget about all the shit that I said above. As I’ve always said, married men, specially the ones with children cant’s make plans for shit, because there’s always a last minute change by some higher power or powers, and this is my case in point.

So here I go! When I was almost ready to head on out to the salt mines this morning, my 29 year old daughter, who is on vacation with her boyfriend in The Dominican Republic, called me. She wanted to let me know, that they were on their way to the airport. If you have adult children, you know that’s not the end of the story. She also mentioned… here it goes… that they didn’t have someone to pick them up at the airport, when they land in New York City. I bet a million dollars, that you can see where this is going, RIGHT!?

So, since my wife had a doctor’s appointment, which at the time, she didn’t know had been canceled, guess who was the the next person in the royal hierarchy? YEAP! That’s right… The big cheese, the big kahuna, the main man, the fat cat, el presidente, el hombre, the man, the so called boss… ME!

So, me being the loving dad that I have always been, always taking care of his little princess, had to call my stupidvisor and put in for a vacation day. I’m still going to see my shrink at 5:30 pm, but I have to pick them up at the airport at around 1:30 pm. Now you see why married men with children can’t make plans?

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Today I have Been Sober For 1 Month And 2 Days!

Binge Drinking Story # 1

Back in the summer of 2011, due to my weekend binge drinking getting out of control, I decided that it was time for me to voluntarily go to an inpatient alcohol rehab facility for 30 days. Then when I was released for good behavior, I went to an outpatient program 3 times a week after work, for a couple of months. I do have to mention, that I did stay sober for 5 years. 

Fast-forward to 2016, me being the weekend alcoholic that I have always been, I convinced myself, that after being sober for 5 years, I was going to be able to control my weekend drinking. Boy was I fucking wrong! So, I went back to my old weekend drinking habits.

As a matter of fact, my weekend binge drinking got so out of control in the last three years, that my last binge in 2019, lasted 9 days straight. Yes, you read that right… 9 DAYS OF NONSTOP DRINKING! I even got to the point, that I was literally drinking mouthwash, to cover up the alcohol smell in my breath, from my wife. To be honest, all that I did during those 9 days was drink, sleep, wake up, try to eat, drink some more and repeat.

Trust me, I’m not proud of what I did back then, but hey, shit happens, and there is nothing that I can do to take all that shit back. But here I am, 1 month and 1 day sober.

Today I have Been Sober For 1 Month And 1 Day!

My Experience With Hangxiety

I clearly remember that I started experiencing hangxiety, back in the mid 90’s, when I was in my mid 20’s, and I didn’t understand what the hell was going on. The thing is, that I have always been extremely shy and I suffer from social anxiety, so I used alcohol as a way to reduce both. But the next day, it heightened the feelings of anxiety that I already had, triggering depression and feelings of guilt or worthlessness.

A couple of weeks ago, one thing that I finally came to understand about my weekend binge drinking was, that because of my mental disorders, I was self-medicating, and in term I was just going in a vicious circle that was never going to end, unless I took action. Now, I can see that, but while I was in that circle, I couldn’t understand my destructive behavior. Not only that, but I haven’t had to deal with no hangxiety ever since.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all! 

Today I Have Been Sober For 1 Month!

Me, Myself And My OCD

Good morning and happy Monday my homies and homettes. I hope that you enjoy your new day to the fullest.

It has been a couple of weeks since I had my last beer and also, that I started taking my crazy meds on a daily basis, and to be honest, when it comes to my Bipolar II disorder and OCD, mentally, I feel way better than when I was at that dark time and in that dark place of my life.

The one thing that I have come to accept is, that no matter how hard I try and no matter how many crazy meds I take, my OCD intrusive thoughts will never go away. They come out of the blue and sometimes they are very scary, but one thing for sure is, that I have never acted them out.

Only because a fucked up intrusive thought pops into my head, doesn’t mean that I am that person. It only means, that my brain is not wired properly, and so I must learn how to deal with it and work hard, to feel better. The one thing that I did learned after my last binge drinking episode was, that alcohol doesn’t make it better. The reality of it all is, that in the end, it makes it worst.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Today Is My 31st Sober Day!

Why My Sobriety Only Matters To Me

Good morning and happy Sunday my homies and homettes. I know that Sunday is the second worst day of the week, following Monday. But I hope that you enjoy your day to the fullest and don’t let thinking about tomorrow fuck it up for you.

One thing that I have learned throughout the years is, to never get sober for someone other than yourself. The reason for that is, that if the other person lets me down, I will use that as an excuse, to go back to drinking.

In the past, I had people tell me how happy and proud they were, that I was sober, only to turn around and drink alcohol in front of me. I mean, REALLY? What type of shit is that? That’s how I came to understand and realize, that my sobriety matters to me. Only Me. Me alone.

Don’t get me wrong now. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have the support of others, it’s just that they will not keep you sober. Only you can do that.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Today Is My 30th Sober Day!

WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING!?

Good morning and happy Saturday my homies and homettes. I hope that you get to enjoy your day, the way that you deserve… to the fullest. As far away as you can get, from all the bullshit and nonsense that goes around.

Yesterday, while I was sitting on the toilet in the salt mines taking a shit, it hit me… No, I wasn’t constipated or had diarrhea. The question that came to my mind was, during my professional weekend binge drinking alcoholic career, how much time had I actually spent drinking Vs how much time I had I spent dealing with a fucked up hangover? When I did the math, which to be honest, I’m not so good at. I figured out, that when I drank, I just drank for a couple of hours, but then spent days, feeling sick like a motherfucker, from a fucked up hangover.

My point? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING!? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I DOING!?

Today Is My 29th Sober Day!