My Date With The Assman

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After “The Assman” penetrated me, the smile was gone. LMFAO!

What up! What up! What up my homies and homettes! OK, so yesterday I finally saw Dr. W aka “The Assman” to find out what exactly is going on with my ass and beyond. But first things first my peeps! The Doc didn’t even take me out on a date, kiss me or said that he loved me, he just told me to get on my left side and WHAM! In he goes.

All jokes aside my peeps! I’m not going to lie to you, having “The Assman” put his finger or maybe fingers (I couldn’t look back there to count them) and some contraption up my ass, was really uncomfortable and a little painful. But I’m happy to say that “The Assman” didn’t find any fissures or hemorrhoids in my anal canal. He still doesn’t know the source of the bleeding, but advised me to drink more water and also to take stool softener, because the bleeding might have been caused by straining from constipation. He mentioned that he wasn’t that worried that much, because the bleeding is intermittent. He did tell me, that I still need a colonoscopy, and I agreed with him 100%. 1) Because I want to know what the fuck is going on and 2) Because I don’t want to take chances.

Hey! I’ve heard way to many stories of men, who for one reason or another, chose not to get a colonoscopy when they should have, and they end up regretting it, some even paying with their lives. Trust me, I’d rather be safe than sorry and unlike some men, I’m sure not gonna lose my life because of some macho pride bullshit. I was waiting until I hit 50 next year to get a colonoscopy, but hey!… shit happens. No pun intended! All that I have to do now is call the number that he gave me, in order to set up the appointment. I just  have to workout the date, based on their schedule and my wife’s schedule, since she’s going with me. When it comes to the salt mines, I’m not worried, because I’m just going to use vacation time.

As to what I like to call “the intestinal rollercoaster ride” that I have been experiencing for the past two months, “The Assman” said that it could be due to Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). I’ll ask him more about that next time I see him.

To be honest with my loyal 1.5 readers, the reason why I’m sharing my experience, even though I’m joking around is, because there are people out there, who could be experiencing the same or similar symptoms as I am, but are scared shitless to see a doctor, only because they are afraid of what they might find out. The thing is, that if a health problem is diagnosed and addressed early, there are treatment options. I’d rather have an early diagnosis and take it from there, than to be told to get my affairs in order, because there’s nothing that can be done. Trust me, going on 23 years this coming October 8th, my mother lost her battle against breast cancer, only because she didn’t get her regular check ups.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

My Appointment With The ASSMAN!

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Well my homies and homettes, the day is getting closer for my appointment with Dr. W, aka colon and rectal surgeon, aka proctologist, aka “THE ASSMAN”. I know that most likely, he won’t be penetrating me with his finger on Monday, but just in case, I hope that he is not wearing a big fat ring. Also, that at least he buys me lunch, kisses me and tells me that he loves me before going in. I don’t want to feel like a cheap piece of meat. LMFAO! I was really planning on getting my ass checked next year when I turn 50, but shit happens… No pun intended. I really hope that I’m not being too ANAL about my situation. LMFAO!

I wasn’t given any special instructions prior to visiting Dr. W “THE ASSMAN”, so I’m guessing that he’s just going to be asking me questions about what is going on and what my symptoms are. Then we’ll take it from there. Hey life is way too fucking short, and since they recommend that people get a colonoscopy at age 50, I’ve been getting all my ass jokes together for the last 49 years, so I’m sure not going to miss this opportunity.

Hey look! Even though I’m making ass jokes and shit, I’m still a little bit nervous about what has been happening to me lately, but the thing is, that I can’t let it show, because my wife is very worried about me. So right now I’m playing it cool, since I haven’t had any symptoms lately. But I still have to get checked, in order to find out what is going on and what needs to be done.

Oh one last thing! True story though! A couple of weeks ago, when my wife and I visited my GP Dr. O and he checked me, my wife didn’t appreciate none of my ass jokes, specially the one about losing my virginity. She said “You don’t take things seriously. Everything is a joke to you”… I mean, she was probably right, but she didn’t have to be so ANAL about it. LMFAO!

As always, wherever you are in this crazy and insane planet of ours, I hope that you are having a great morning, noon, evening or night. Enjoy it to the fullest and don’t let nobody fuck it up for you no matter what goes down.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!