My CLEAN COLON Bill Of Health

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Wednesday February 6, 2019 – Getting ready for The Assman… My colonoscopy.

Sooooo, as probably .5 out of my loyal 1.5 readers might be aware, yesterday I had my first colonoscopy done by The Assman, at my tender age of 49. The good news is… Drum roll please!… I ain’t going nowhere anytime soon SUCKAS! So you better buy a good recliner chair and get very comfortable, because you’ll have to put up with my shit, my crazy, dumb, insane, stupid, weird, none educational, none informative and none helpful posts for a while, because The Assman told me that only “Multiple medium-mouthed diverticula were found in the entire colon. There was no evidence of diverticular bleeding.

I have to say, that I had everybody, and I mean everybody from the receptionist, to the nurse, to the anesthesiologist, to the technician, to The Assman himself, laughing at all of my ass and anal jokes before the procedure. Even right before the anesthesia took effect, I told them “Goodnight, see you in the morning”. Hey, they all agreed with me, that life is way too short, plus nobody makes it out alive anyway. I think that the one that they liked the most was, when I told the anesthesiologist “to make sure that the doctor took all his rings off before he went in, but specially, that he took his watch off. Because I didn’t want him leaving anything behind”.

Oh, before I forget my homies and homettes. While I was in the hospital gown, waiting to be taken to the room for the procedure, for a couple of minutes, I was just sitting there alone, doing nothing. Then my mind started wondering, now if you knew me personally, you would know, that that was not a good sign. Not a good sign at all I tell you. So I had one of what from now on, I will start calling my “Things that make you go… HMMMMM! moment”. So I pulled up my hospital gown and snapped a couple of dick pics, then sent them to my wife while she was waiting for me in the car. Yes, my homies and homettes, even after being married for 31 years, surviving my daughter and son’s crazy teen years and a whole bunch of other stuff, I still have a sense of humor. Hey, at least I put a smile on my wife’s face and made sure that she wasn’t bored while she waited for me. But most important of all, I showed her what she was gonna get later that night… OK! OK! OK! Not literally, because I was weak from not eating solid food for two days and plus I couldn’t do anything strenuous, because an accident could have happened at anytime, you know!… Because of the diarrhea, due to all the liquid that I had to drink!… but as soon as I got my Superman strength back. Which at my age, might take a couple of minuteshours… days… weeksmonthsyearsOh who the fuck am I kidding! after The Assman was done with me, I might not be the same man. NEVER! EVER! EVER!

You know what!? Looking back now. Can you imagine if I didn’t make it through the procedure. The last pictures that my wife would have of me alive, would be me with one thumb up, a smile on my face, pulling up my hospital gown and showing my dick… Even I have to say, that would have been PRICELESS! to show next to my coffin in my funeral.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Colonoscopy Day

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OK my homies and homettes, the day of my colonoscopy is finally here. WOO-HOO! In a few hours, I will be at the mercy of The Assman. I have to say, that the first stage hasn’t been easy at all, since I haven’t been able to eat any solid food since 2:00 pm Monday, when I drank an over the counter laxative after I got home from the salt mines. Then yesterday, I had to drink 1 gallon of lemon flavored Gavilyte-N, in layman’s terms, it’s a another laxative, but that works by drawing large amounts of water into the colon.

Trust me my peeps, I’m not doing this because I think it’s going to be fun or to have something to blog about. As a matter of fact, I was planning on getting my first colonoscopy when I turn 50, which is on October of 2020. I’m doing it because around a month and a half ago, I experience rectal bleeding about 3 or four times, during the span of a couple of weeks. I saw my GP and after performing a digital rectal exam, he found some blood, so he referred me to The Assman. When The Assman concluded the digital rectal exam, he told me that everything looked good, and that he wasn’t that concerned about the bleeding, since it was intermittent. He decided to do the colonoscopy, only because he wanted to find the source of the bleeding. Hopefully it will be nothing but a false alarm due to some constipation, but it is always better to be safe than sorry.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

♫♪ Let It Flow ♫♪ Let It Flow ♫♪ Let It Flow ♫♪

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What up! What up! What up my homies and homettes!? OK, so today I had to take a vacation day from the salt mines, since yesterday, half way through the day, I started what The Assman calls “A 1 1/2 days bowel preparation”, ahead of Wednesday’s colonoscopy. Woo-Hoo! You have to keep in mind that this is a first for me, since I was going to get my first colonoscopy next year, when I turn 50. Lucky for me, that a good friend of mine, who is also a stupidvisor at the salt mines, advised me not to go into to work today, since I need to be very, and I don’t know how to emphasize this, but very close to a toilet at all times. I mean, I could work from the toilet, if they provide me with a laptop connected to the company’s WiFi and a wireless work phone. I just don’t know how the customers will feel and or react, when I’m talking to them about their bills, and then suddenly, they hear the sound of an upside down volcanic eruption.

To be honest with my loyal 1.5 readers, I’m not afraid of the colonoscopy, I just hate having to drink so much fucking liquid and not being able to eat any solid food for two fucking days. As a matter of fact, when I got home from the salt mines yesterday, I told my wife that I was thinking about calling The Assman’s office, to ask his assistant, if during these two days without eating solids, if at least I’m allowed to eat pussy? If you knew my wife, after 31 years of taking my shit, she has become an expert at ignoring my nonsense. But I do have to wonder, if asked, was The Assman’s assistant going to be able to answer my question, or was she going to have to get back to me on that? You see, those are the kind of questions that make me go… HMMMMM!

One last thing out of the top of my head kids. I personally and truly believe that people who are sneezing due to allergies, shouldn’t be allowed to take laxatives. I’m just throwing it out there.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

First Sober Weekend!

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Photo by Rakicevic Nenad on Pexels.com

What up! What up! What up my homies and homettes! I know that I haven’t posted in a couple of days, but that’s because I have been busy like a motherfucker at home and at the salt mines, plus I’m getting ready to see the Assman on Wednesday for my colonoscopy. But don’t worry about it my homies and homettes, after the procedure, I promise, that I will provide all of you with autographed wallet size pics, so you can carry them around in your purses and wallets and show it to your family, friends, co-workers and strangers in public transportation and the streets. So when you get the pics in your inbox, don’t think it’s a wormhole, because it’s my ass.

Also, just as I promised, I’ve stayed sober. As a matter of fact, the Boss made sure that I was fucking busy at home this past weekend, by driving her around, shopping and helping her do the laundry. Plus I went back to playing around with the old music production program my son and I bought a couple of years ago. From my teen years, aside from DJing, I’ve always loved messing around and mixing sounds. As a matter of fact, my dream was always to become a recording engineer, but shit happens, then we move on. Don’t worry kids, I won’t be posting any of my crazy ass music projects on this here crazy, insane and boring blog of mine.

P.S. On Thursday, remember to keep checking your inbox for my pics.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

My Date With The Assman

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After “The Assman” penetrated me, the smile was gone. LMFAO!

What up! What up! What up my homies and homettes! OK, so yesterday I finally saw Dr. W aka “The Assman” to find out what exactly is going on with my ass and beyond. But first things first my peeps! The Doc didn’t even take me out on a date, kiss me or said that he loved me, he just told me to get on my left side and WHAM! In he goes.

All jokes aside my peeps! I’m not going to lie to you, having “The Assman” put his finger or maybe fingers (I couldn’t look back there to count them) and some contraption up my ass, was really uncomfortable and a little painful. But I’m happy to say that “The Assman” didn’t find any fissures or hemorrhoids in my anal canal. He still doesn’t know the source of the bleeding, but advised me to drink more water and also to take stool softener, because the bleeding might have been caused by straining from constipation. He mentioned that he wasn’t that worried that much, because the bleeding is intermittent. He did tell me, that I still need a colonoscopy, and I agreed with him 100%. 1) Because I want to know what the fuck is going on and 2) Because I don’t want to take chances.

Hey! I’ve heard way to many stories of men, who for one reason or another, chose not to get a colonoscopy when they should have, and they end up regretting it, some even paying with their lives. Trust me, I’d rather be safe than sorry and unlike some men, I’m sure not gonna lose my life because of some macho pride bullshit. I was waiting until I hit 50 next year to get a colonoscopy, but hey!… shit happens. No pun intended! All that I have to do now is call the number that he gave me, in order to set up the appointment. I just  have to workout the date, based on their schedule and my wife’s schedule, since she’s going with me. When it comes to the salt mines, I’m not worried, because I’m just going to use vacation time.

As to what I like to call “the intestinal rollercoaster ride” that I have been experiencing for the past two months, “The Assman” said that it could be due to Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). I’ll ask him more about that next time I see him.

To be honest with my loyal 1.5 readers, the reason why I’m sharing my experience, even though I’m joking around is, because there are people out there, who could be experiencing the same or similar symptoms as I am, but are scared shitless to see a doctor, only because they are afraid of what they might find out. The thing is, that if a health problem is diagnosed and addressed early, there are treatment options. I’d rather have an early diagnosis and take it from there, than to be told to get my affairs in order, because there’s nothing that can be done. Trust me, going on 23 years this coming October 8th, my mother lost her battle against breast cancer, only because she didn’t get her regular check ups.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!