My Feelings Don’t Matter

Yesterday morning I was still feeling like shit, so when I woke up, I decided that I just didn’t want to take a bath. I just went back to bed and slept for an extra half hour. When I woke up, I got dressed, drank some coffee with cream, brushed my teeth, fed my dog and got ready to head on out to what I like to call the salt mines (work). The funny thing about my life is, that no matter how down, sad or depressed I feel in the morning, I have to put on a mask, walk out the door, go to work and act as if nothing is wrong with me. I think that is one of the hardest part about being a man… not being able to show my true emotions or feelings, because of course, I am a man and I naturally have to be strong. To be honest with you, that is a whole bunch of bullshit.

I keep reading that suicide is higher in men than women, and to be honest with you, I can understand why. Throughout life, men are taught to be strong no matter what we have to confront or go against. The reality of it all is, that we have feelings too, and Just like women, we can mentally breakdown. It’s just that we are taught, that out of the two sexes, we are supposed to be the strong one. We are not supposed to be cray babies. Like robots, we are not supposed to show any emotions. I know that a lot people have been trying to change that way of thinking for a while now, which is good. The only thing that I can do is, post my crazy thoughts and feelings on this here crazy blog of mine.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!


Moving On

Today I really feel like shit, because after a fallout with her mother, my 28-year-old daughter moved out of the apartment. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve always knew that both of my kids will eventually move out on their own and go on their own journey, but the thing is, that I’d never thought that she was going to leave on bad terms with her mother. To make things crazier, they were both born on the same month and the same day, plus they have similar attitudes and behave similar. I know that things will work out, but for me, as a husband and as a father, it really hurts to see them like this. They do get along, it’s just that from time to time, they clash.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

He Didn’t Put Me In The Padded Room

First things first my peeps! Today is Friday and it is the start of what I like to call my weak days. Why do I call it that? Because I love to binge drink on the weekends. In other words, I’m weak on the weekends, when it comes to drinking. But no worries, I’m looking forward to staying sober this weekend, which is going to be my fourth sober weekend. I do feel good about not drinking for so long, but what I really want to do is, beat my own sober record of four weekends. I mean, I’m not saying that I’m staying sober for the rest of my life, I’m just staying sober for a little while. How long? I really can’t say.

On another note! Yesterday I saw my shrink Dr. C. I did talk to him about my morning depression and how I’ve been feeling like shit in the morning. He did mention that he would like to try Lithium again, but first I’ll need to get some blood work done. So right now, I’ll have to get the paperwork from my primary doctor and then I can get the blood work done. I did try Lithium before, but I was only on a low dosage, because I didn’t get the blood work done at all. So, I never got to a therapeutically level at all. I did tell Dr. C, that I will get the blood work done within the next two weeks.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Session With My Shrink

First things first my peeps! If my calculations are right, today is my 25th sober day and like always, I feel like Tony the fucking tiger… GRRREAT! To be honest with you, I’m really proud of myself, since I haven’t been sober for so long in a long ass time. Right now, I’m really looking to stay sober for more than a month, which means, that I will be breaking my sober record. To be honest with you, I had my stinking thinking moments, but I dismissed them without a second thought. Plus I’ve been enjoying something that I really like to do, which is reading book written by some interesting people.

As for today, I will be seeing my shrink Dr C. As a matter of fact, in our session today, I will be bringing up, how I’ve been feeling like shit lately, but especially in the morning. I know that it might be connected to so much shit that I have on my plate right now. I guess that I have to learn how to deal with all that shit. I mean, don’t get me wrong, things will eventually get better, because they always do. It’s just that sometimes, it is just overwhelming for me. Sometimes, I just feel like if I can’t deal with it all anymore. Sometimes I just feel, like if everything is going out of control… if you know what I mean. But what can I say… that’s just life. Like they say… it is what it is.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Sometimes My Life Feels Like Shit

To be honest with you, as I write this post, I’m at work, feeling like shit. I’ve always hated using the word depression, for many, many years, whenever I feel like shit, I say that I feel down, not depressed. To be honest with you, this morning I felt so down, that I didn’t even bother to take a bath. I just got dressed, brushed my teeth and gave my crazy and insane dog some cheddar cheese, which he loves in the morning and changed his water. I know that I have a great and very loving family, which includes my crazy dog too. A good paying job with great benefits and great co-workers, but still, sometimes I feel as if there is something missing. I feel as is everything is just falling on top of me and I can’t get away from it all. I just feel like crying for no apparent reason or just screaming my lungs out.

Sometimes I look around and I just feel empty inside. I just want something more, but I just can’t seem to put my finger on what it is that I want out of life. It’s just like if I want to do things, but then again, I don’t have the energy or will to get off of my ass and do those things. Sometimes I just find life to be so fucking boring. As I have said many, many times before… I feel as if I’m stuck in a fucking hamster wheel. Everyday is just the same old shit. Nothing new, just the same old shit, day in and day out. I know that this feeling will eventually pass, but it really sucks feeling like this. Plus, I will be seeing my shrink Dr. C tomorrow, so I’ll just hang on.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!