My Feelings Don’t Matter

Yesterday morning I was still feeling like shit, so when I woke up, I decided that I just didn’t want to take a bath. I just went back to bed and slept for an extra half hour. When I woke up, I got dressed, drank some coffee with cream, brushed my teeth, fed my dog and got ready to head on out to what I like to call the salt mines (work). The funny thing about my life is, that no matter how down, sad or depressed I feel in the morning, I have to put on a mask, walk out the door, go to work and act as if nothing is wrong with me. I think that is one of the hardest part about being a man… not being able to show my true emotions or feelings, because of course, I am a man and I naturally have to be strong. To be honest with you, that is a whole bunch of bullshit.

I keep reading that suicide is higher in men than women, and to be honest with you, I can understand why. Throughout life, men are taught to be strong no matter what we have to confront or go against. The reality of it all is, that we have feelings too, and Just like women, we can mentally breakdown. It’s just that we are taught, that out of the two sexes, we are supposed to be the strong one. We are not supposed to be cray babies. Like robots, we are not supposed to show any emotions. I know that a lot people have been trying to change that way of thinking for a while now, which is good. The only thing that I can do is, post my crazy thoughts and feelings on this here crazy blog of mine.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!


Moving On

Today I really feel like shit, because after a fallout with her mother, my 28-year-old daughter moved out of the apartment. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve always knew that both of my kids will eventually move out on their own and go on their own journey, but the thing is, that I’d never thought that she was going to leave on bad terms with her mother. To make things crazier, they were both born on the same month and the same day, plus they have similar attitudes and behave similar. I know that things will work out, but for me, as a husband and as a father, it really hurts to see them like this. They do get along, it’s just that from time to time, they clash.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

He Didn’t Put Me In The Padded Room

First things first my peeps! Today is Friday and it is the start of what I like to call my weak days. Why do I call it that? Because I love to binge drink on the weekends. In other words, I’m weak on the weekends, when it comes to drinking. But no worries, I’m looking forward to staying sober this weekend, which is going to be my fourth sober weekend. I do feel good about not drinking for so long, but what I really want to do is, beat my own sober record of four weekends. I mean, I’m not saying that I’m staying sober for the rest of my life, I’m just staying sober for a little while. How long? I really can’t say.

On another note! Yesterday I saw my shrink Dr. C. I did talk to him about my morning depression and how I’ve been feeling like shit in the morning. He did mention that he would like to try Lithium again, but first I’ll need to get some blood work done. So right now, I’ll have to get the paperwork from my primary doctor and then I can get the blood work done. I did try Lithium before, but I was only on a low dosage, because I didn’t get the blood work done at all. So, I never got to a therapeutically level at all. I did tell Dr. C, that I will get the blood work done within the next two weeks.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Session With My Shrink

First things first my peeps! If my calculations are right, today is my 25th sober day and like always, I feel like Tony the fucking tiger… GRRREAT! To be honest with you, I’m really proud of myself, since I haven’t been sober for so long in a long ass time. Right now, I’m really looking to stay sober for more than a month, which means, that I will be breaking my sober record. To be honest with you, I had my stinking thinking moments, but I dismissed them without a second thought. Plus I’ve been enjoying something that I really like to do, which is reading book written by some interesting people.

As for today, I will be seeing my shrink Dr C. As a matter of fact, in our session today, I will be bringing up, how I’ve been feeling like shit lately, but especially in the morning. I know that it might be connected to so much shit that I have on my plate right now. I guess that I have to learn how to deal with all that shit. I mean, don’t get me wrong, things will eventually get better, because they always do. It’s just that sometimes, it is just overwhelming for me. Sometimes, I just feel like if I can’t deal with it all anymore. Sometimes I just feel, like if everything is going out of control… if you know what I mean. But what can I say… that’s just life. Like they say… it is what it is.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Sometimes My Life Feels Like Shit

To be honest with you, as I write this post, I’m at work, feeling like shit. I’ve always hated using the word depression, for many, many years, whenever I feel like shit, I say that I feel down, not depressed. To be honest with you, this morning I felt so down, that I didn’t even bother to take a bath. I just got dressed, brushed my teeth and gave my crazy and insane dog some cheddar cheese, which he loves in the morning and changed his water. I know that I have a great and very loving family, which includes my crazy dog too. A good paying job with great benefits and great co-workers, but still, sometimes I feel as if there is something missing. I feel as is everything is just falling on top of me and I can’t get away from it all. I just feel like crying for no apparent reason or just screaming my lungs out.

Sometimes I look around and I just feel empty inside. I just want something more, but I just can’t seem to put my finger on what it is that I want out of life. It’s just like if I want to do things, but then again, I don’t have the energy or will to get off of my ass and do those things. Sometimes I just find life to be so fucking boring. As I have said many, many times before… I feel as if I’m stuck in a fucking hamster wheel. Everyday is just the same old shit. Nothing new, just the same old shit, day in and day out. I know that this feeling will eventually pass, but it really sucks feeling like this. Plus, I will be seeing my shrink Dr. C tomorrow, so I’ll just hang on.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Sometimes Life Sucks And Then Some

I remember that when I was around twelve years old, there was a lot of tension going on in my family. My father was a very strict man and my older sisters had grown up and wanted to do as they pleased. The thing is, that one day, my father decided that enough was enough for him, and so he picked up his belongings and while nobody was home, he just walked away and left the family. I’m not going to say that life was easy, but we did survive. I’m not even going to say, that I went on to become a college graduate and I’m living a fairy-tale life. The thing is, that I dropped out of high school when I was around sixteen years old. But I used to blame my father for all the shit that I went through in life, but then I came to realize that I was to blame for my own fuck ups.

What I am trying to say is, that right now, there are times in my life, when I just want to walk away from everything. I just want to leave everything behind me and start a new life in a quiet small town. A place like the Cheers sitcom intro song says… “a place where every knows your name… and they are always glad you came”. A small town, with a population of only a couple of hundred people. Somewhere that I could just grow old and die alone. Do you want to know what the funny part of it all is? That… it’s just a thought. I just feel like that, when things are going downhill for me. But like everything else in life… I will get over it and eventually move on.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

We Are All Fucked!

For the past few days, I have noticed that I’m not suffering from what they call “morning depression” compared to last week and the previews weeks before. The thing about it is, that there are two things that I have changed, and they are 1) I am back on Prozac and 2) I have stopped watching the news in the morning. So right now, my money is on the news. For years, I’ve said that the news industry, has to sensationalize every story, because they have to appeal to readers and get higher ratings and ad revenues. I know for a fact, that after watching a lot of news, I feel as if humanity is coming to an end. I feel like if the shit has hit the fan and there’s nothing that I can do about it.

If you were to look at the stories in the news right now, they will most likely be about car accident deaths, celebrity deaths, child abuse and murders, child abductions and murders, corruption, corrupt politicians, drug related deaths, economic collapse, all sorts of epidemics, fire related deaths, gang related killings, health scares, murders, opioid epidemic, pedophiles, perverts, police shootings, rapes, robberies, school shootings and wars. Based on the news media, right now… WE ARE ALL FUCKED! and there is nothing that we can do about it.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Morning Depression Sucks

For the past month or two, I have noticed that I have been waking up in a really bad mood. I have to say, that my whole life, I have been a morning person. I also know, that I did went off of my crazy meds for a while, but a couple of weeks ago, my shrink put me back on them, he did lower the dosage of Prozac from  80mg a day to 40mg a day. The thing about is, that I used to wake up feeling normal and even sometimes happy. Now I feel angry, mad, frustrated and feeling like everything around me and in life just plain and simply sucks. I feel like if I don’t want to take a bath, get dressed, make coffee or even go to work. In other words, I just want to be left the fuck alone.

I just keep feeling like if life is just a fucking hamster wheel, every fucking day I do the same shit. I feel like if nothing changes. I look at TV and the same bullshit is on the air every single fucking day. When I look at the news, they keep talking about the same fucking stories. In other words, my life feels like the 1993 film “Groundhog day”. I know that I shouldn’t have gone off of my crazy meds, but I just wanted to see what it would be like, if I wasn’t taking them. I guess maybe I just found out the hard way. I know it’s going to take a couple of weeks for my crazy meds to build back up in my system, so I’ll just have to hang on and be patient. But to be honest with you, this really sucks.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Depression Sucks!

Life sucks and then some! There are people out there that like myself, feel that they suck as human beings, fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters… well I guess you know where I’m going with this. You see, to be honest with you, I have my good days and my bad days. There are a lot of days that I just don’t want to get out of bed and face the world. I just want to be left alone in my little cocoon. But the reality of it all is, that no matter how fucked up I feel in  a given day, I have to get out of bed and deal with life. Hey look! I’ve been off of Prozac for close to two months now, but that was my choice. Even while I was on Prozac, there were days that I felt like shit. But I still dealt with them as they came.

For a very long time I thought that I was going to be on crazy meds my whole life. But I have to say, that I believe that my shrink thought that too. I guess I decided to go off Prozac, because I wanted to know what it feels like to be me again. Don’t get me wrong, I still take my anxiety and mood meds, but only when needed. I guess that what I am trying to say is, that I know for a fact that I need my crazy meds from time to time, but one thing for sure is, that I don’t believe that I need them to be able to function in life. To be honest with you, this here crazy and insane blog of mine has helped me tremendously when it comes to dealing with my crazy thoughts and depression, because I get to say how and what I feel.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!