My CLEAN COLON Bill Of Health

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Wednesday February 6, 2019 – Getting ready for The Assman… My colonoscopy.

Sooooo, as probably .5 out of my loyal 1.5 readers might be aware, yesterday I had my first colonoscopy done by The Assman, at my tender age of 49. The good news is… Drum roll please!… I ain’t going nowhere anytime soon SUCKAS! So you better buy a good recliner chair and get very comfortable, because you’ll have to put up with my shit, my crazy, dumb, insane, stupid, weird, none educational, none informative and none helpful posts for a while, because The Assman told me that only “Multiple medium-mouthed diverticula were found in the entire colon. There was no evidence of diverticular bleeding.

I have to say, that I had everybody, and I mean everybody from the receptionist, to the nurse, to the anesthesiologist, to the technician, to The Assman himself, laughing at all of my ass and anal jokes before the procedure. Even right before the anesthesia took effect, I told them “Goodnight, see you in the morning”. Hey, they all agreed with me, that life is way too short, plus nobody makes it out alive anyway. I think that the one that they liked the most was, when I told the anesthesiologist “to make sure that the doctor took all his rings off before he went in, but specially, that he took his watch off. Because I didn’t want him leaving anything behind”.

Oh, before I forget my homies and homettes. While I was in the hospital gown, waiting to be taken to the room for the procedure, for a couple of minutes, I was just sitting there alone, doing nothing. Then my mind started wondering, now if you knew me personally, you would know, that that was not a good sign. Not a good sign at all I tell you. So I had one of what from now on, I will start calling my “Things that make you go… HMMMMM! moment”. So I pulled up my hospital gown and snapped a couple of dick pics, then sent them to my wife while she was waiting for me in the car. Yes, my homies and homettes, even after being married for 31 years, surviving my daughter and son’s crazy teen years and a whole bunch of other stuff, I still have a sense of humor. Hey, at least I put a smile on my wife’s face and made sure that she wasn’t bored while she waited for me. But most important of all, I showed her what she was gonna get later that night… OK! OK! OK! Not literally, because I was weak from not eating solid food for two days and plus I couldn’t do anything strenuous, because an accident could have happened at anytime, you know!… Because of the diarrhea, due to all the liquid that I had to drink!… but as soon as I got my Superman strength back. Which at my age, might take a couple of minuteshours… days… weeksmonthsyearsOh who the fuck am I kidding! after The Assman was done with me, I might not be the same man. NEVER! EVER! EVER!

You know what!? Looking back now. Can you imagine if I didn’t make it through the procedure. The last pictures that my wife would have of me alive, would be me with one thumb up, a smile on my face, pulling up my hospital gown and showing my dick… Even I have to say, that would have been PRICELESS! to show next to my coffin in my funeral.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!