Sometimes My Life Feels Like Shit

To be honest with you, as I write this post, I’m at work, feeling like shit. I’ve always hated using the word depression, for many, many years, whenever I feel like shit, I say that I feel down, not depressed. To be honest with you, this morning I felt so down, that I didn’t even bother to take a bath. I just got dressed, brushed my teeth and gave my crazy and insane dog some cheddar cheese, which he loves in the morning and changed his water. I know that I have a great and very loving family, which includes my crazy dog too. A good paying job with great benefits and great co-workers, but still, sometimes I feel as if there is something missing. I feel as is everything is just falling on top of me and I can’t get away from it all. I just feel like crying for no apparent reason or just screaming my lungs out.

Sometimes I look around and I just feel empty inside. I just want something more, but I just can’t seem to put my finger on what it is that I want out of life. It’s just like if I want to do things, but then again, I don’t have the energy or will to get off of my ass and do those things. Sometimes I just find life to be so fucking boring. As I have said many, many times before… I feel as if I’m stuck in a fucking hamster wheel. Everyday is just the same old shit. Nothing new, just the same old shit, day in and day out. I know that this feeling will eventually pass, but it really sucks feeling like this. Plus, I will be seeing my shrink Dr. C tomorrow, so I’ll just hang on.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!


I Feel Good!… So Good!


This past weekend was my third sober weekend in a long ass time, and like always, I feel like Tony the tiger… GRRREAT! To be honest, I did have a few times when I had stupid thinking, when I felt like just having a few beers. But then I came to my senses and asked myself. WHY? I mean, throughout these three sober weekends, I have been feeling great, with no anxiety, depression or hangover. Don’t get me wrong, because while I was shopping with my wife on Saturday, I saw a couple of people buying cases of beer, and that was one of the times, when I thought about getting a case for myself. But then it hit me and I asked myself. Do I want to feel like shit, the next day?

Even my father in law, who is staying with us and my friends who were playing poker, asked me if I wanted to have a couple of beers, since they were drinking. My answer was no. The reality of it all is, that I really don’t know how long I want to stay sober. In other words, I didn’t make a plan, set a goal or even a date, as to when I’m going to drink again. Right now, I’m just enjoying the way that I feel without drinking. I also have to mention, that I don’t drink on regular weekdays, my problem is that I binge drink on the weekends. So for now, I’m just staying away from alcohol and enjoying my sober weekends to the fullest.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Sometimes Life Sucks And Then Some

I remember that when I was around twelve years old, there was a lot of tension going on in my family. My father was a very strict man and my older sisters had grown up and wanted to do as they pleased. The thing is, that one day, my father decided that enough was enough for him, and so he picked up his belongings and while nobody was home, he just walked away and left the family. I’m not going to say that life was easy, but we did survive. I’m not even going to say, that I went on to become a college graduate and I’m living a fairy-tale life. The thing is, that I dropped out of high school when I was around sixteen years old. But I used to blame my father for all the shit that I went through in life, but then I came to realize that I was to blame for my own fuck ups.

What I am trying to say is, that right now, there are times in my life, when I just want to walk away from everything. I just want to leave everything behind me and start a new life in a quiet small town. A place like the Cheers sitcom intro song says… “a place where every knows your name… and they are always glad you came”. A small town, with a population of only a couple of hundred people. Somewhere that I could just grow old and die alone. Do you want to know what the funny part of it all is? That… it’s just a thought. I just feel like that, when things are going downhill for me. But like everything else in life… I will get over it and eventually move on.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Life Is Just Life

It’s funny how many lifestyle bloggers are out there in the blogosphere, specially people that just want to become famous and make a ton of money. With me, that’s not the case. My shrink even told me a couple of times in the past, that I can be sort of an expert when it comes to blogging about bipolar II disorder, OCD and social anxiety disorder, since I have suffered from them for so many years. But you see, the thing about me is, that I find it more interesting, to blog about the shit that I go through in life everyday, rather than to be a niche blogger. I really can’t imagine myself, blogging everyday about the same old shit. I mean, in how many ways, can I explain to my loyal 1.5 reader, what suffering from bipolar II disorder, Pure-O OCD and social anxiety disorder is like? I mean, do people really want to read the same shit every fucking day? I BET NOT!

I know that some people might think, that if I blog about my disorders, I might be able to help others that are going through what I have gone through. But you have to understand, that I have been suffering from them for as long as I can remember, so to me, it’s just something normal. It’s just like someone that is born without a limb. To that person, it’s not a big deal, life is just life. But for someone looking in from the outside, that is a totally different story. I guess that what I am trying to say is, that even though I suffer from multiple mental disorders, to me life is life and it feels great. OK! Most of the time.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Alone With My Crazy Thoughts

From Monday through Friday, I use public transportation to get to work and back home. What really amazes me is, the amount of people who have their heads buried in the smartphones. I mean, don’t get me wrong, people can do whatever the fuck they want to do with their lives and time, but what gets to me is, that even people who are riding with family and friends, don’t even bother to interact with one another. You have to understand, that ever since I was around five years old, I have always liked to observe people and try to understand why they behave and act the way that they do. I know! I know! I know! I know! I know! I will never get to the bottom of it, but at least, it keeps my mind busy when I’m in public, plus it helps me with my racing thoughts and it keeps me away from looking at my stupid smartphone.

Sometimes I think that some people might feel awkward, weird or just out-of-place when they are in public, so they keep looking at their smartphones, even though they don’t have shit to look at, because to be honest with you, there is no WiFi signal in the subway tunnels here in New York City, it’s only available in the train stations. I guess that what I am trying to say is, that I feel comfortable just sitting in a train alone with my thoughts. But I think that there are people out there, who feel uncomfortable alone with their thoughts. Hey look! Even though I suffer from Pure-O OCD, I do hate some of my crazy and insane thoughts, but there is noting that I can do about them. The thing is, that I have learned to live with them and not let them bother me. In other words, people really have to feel comfortable being alone with their thoughts.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Staying Sober

I have to say, that this past weekend was my second sober weekend and I feel like Tony the tiger… GRRREAT! No hangover or anything that can make me feel like shit. Another thing is, that my wife has been happy too. She even went as far as saying that I was really doing good, by deciding not to drink for the second weekend in a row. Even though a couple of my friends showed up to play poker and they drank beer, I just didn’t feel like drinking at all. Also, even though I was bored to death, because there was nothing interesting on TV, I just didn’t feel like drinking. I also have to remind you, that I have been able to stay sober for four weekends in a row, without a problem. As to how long am I going to stay sober this time… I really can’t answer that. But I know, that it is going to be for a while, because I really enjoy waking up in the morning and not feeling like shit.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Morning Depression Sucks

For the past month or two, I have noticed that I have been waking up in a really bad mood. I have to say, that my whole life, I have been a morning person. I also know, that I did went off of my crazy meds for a while, but a couple of weeks ago, my shrink put me back on them, he did lower the dosage of Prozac from  80mg a day to 40mg a day. The thing about is, that I used to wake up feeling normal and even sometimes happy. Now I feel angry, mad, frustrated and feeling like everything around me and in life just plain and simply sucks. I feel like if I don’t want to take a bath, get dressed, make coffee or even go to work. In other words, I just want to be left the fuck alone.

I just keep feeling like if life is just a fucking hamster wheel, every fucking day I do the same shit. I feel like if nothing changes. I look at TV and the same bullshit is on the air every single fucking day. When I look at the news, they keep talking about the same fucking stories. In other words, my life feels like the 1993 film “Groundhog day”. I know that I shouldn’t have gone off of my crazy meds, but I just wanted to see what it would be like, if I wasn’t taking them. I guess maybe I just found out the hard way. I know it’s going to take a couple of weeks for my crazy meds to build back up in my system, so I’ll just have to hang on and be patient. But to be honest with you, this really sucks.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

My High Alcohol Tolerance

I know! I know!I know!I know!I know! That I have said many times, that I will stop drinking, but you have to understand, that sometimes, I have friends come over to my home on the weekends, even though they play poker and I don’t, we have a couple of beers while having nice and interesting conversations. But first things first! I’m not an everyday drinker, I only drink on the weekends, plus I have gone four to five weeks without a beer. During those weeks, I’ve never had the urge to drink. With that said! For a couple of weeks now, I have noticed, that even though I drink my usual two six packs of beer, I’m not getting drunk… the hell! I don’t even get a buzz anymore!

So, just like any concerned known alcoholic… Yes! Yes! Yes! I call myself a known alcoholic and not an anonymous alcoholic. Why? Because everyone knows that I love drinking. Anyways! I did some research and I found out that there are people, that after drinking for a while, their alcohol tolerance changes. For example drinking a lot may cause liver enzymes that break down alcohol to become more active”. The way that I look at that is, that even if I only drink on the weekends, my body’s alcohol tolerance is higher now. The way that I interpret that is, that I have to quit drinking for good. I mean, don’t get me wrong here, plus I’m not going to lie, I’m going to be honest with you, I’m staying away from alcohol, because the drunk effect that I was always looking for, is gone now. So, what is the point in me drinking? To run to the bathroom every five minutes just for the hell of it? Nah! I don’t think so!

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Coming To Terms With My OCD

For as far back as I can remember, I have suffered from Pure-O OCD (Purely Obsessional Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder). Throughout the years, I have tried many crazy meds, but only one of them actually helped with the intrusive thoughts, but that was only for a few days. My current shrink has tried numerous combinations of crazy meds, but to be honest with you, nothing has worked for me. When I got psychiatric help for the first time, I thought that I was going to be prescribed a magic pill, that was going to take all of the symptoms away. In the back of my mind, I thought that somehow, I was going to be just like everyone else… “normal”. For years and years, I thought that one day, my shrinks were going to find the right combination of crazy meds… or better yet, a cure.

To be honest with you, I still hate the fact that I suffer from Pure-O OCD, specially the shameful and ugly intrusive thoughts that keep popping up in my mind for no reason at all. I hate having to fight them off on a daily basis. I hate thinking and visualizing bad things about the people who I love so much. After dealing with it my entire life, I have come to understand, that for the rest of my life, I will be dealing with my OCD. Don’t get me wrong, they might come up with better and improved crazy meds, but the reality of it all is, that I can’t wish it or make it go away no matter how hard I try. You see, the thing is, that no matter what my OCD does to me mentally, I am me and not the other way around.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!