Saturday With La Jefa

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Wherever you are in this crazy planet of ours my homies and homettes, good morning, good afternoon, good evening or good night. I hope that you enjoy it to the fullest and don’t let nobody fuck it up for you no matter what goes down.

As for me? I really can’t complain about my weekend. Yesterday, as usual, La Jefa (A Female Boss = My Wife) an I drove around running our Saturday errands. Hey look, even though some men might think that I’m crazy by admitting this, but I really enjoy the alone time with La Jefa, because we get to talk a lot and catch up on somethings. When we got home, I had something to eat, took a nap, walked my baby, watched TV and wrote this post while listening to House music. Some people might find that to be a boring day, but as long as I got my evening free to do whatever the fuck I wanted to, even if I was just scratching my balls and ass the rest of the evening, I was OK with that. That’s the main reason why I like to take care of everything early in the day on weekends.

In other news, I’m happy to say that I didn’t drink any alcohol this weekend, which makes it my 2nd sober weekend. WOO-HOO! I have to admit, that without a fucked up hangover, today I feel like Tony the tiger… Grrrrreat! The way that I have always looked at is, that I have to keep my crazy mind busy on the weekends, in order to stay away from the destructive stinking thinking and weekend binge drinking fiascos. Other than that, I’m good to go.

Peace out my homies and homettes!

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

The Weak-End Is Here

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Happy Friday my homies and homettes! Enjoy it to the fullest and don’t let nobody fuck it up for you, no matter what goes down!

As for me, since I’m not an anonymous alcoholic, but a well known alcoholic, a weekend binge drinker or even a weekend warrior, today is the beginning of what I like to call my “weak-end”. Why? Because when it comes to weekend drinking, I am weak. The Boss (my wife) and My Little Princess (my 29 year old daughter) don’t mind me drinking after work on Fridays, because I just like to watch TV and listen to music at home. It’s just that the majority of times, I binge all the way to Sunday night and sometimes, even beyond. Plain and simple, I fuck up. The last time that I stopped drinking, I did it for 5 months. The whole thing about me is, that I don’t need to drink alcohol every weekend, it’s just that there are weekends when I don’t have shit to do and so the stinking thinking gets the best of me.

So my plans for tonight are to get home from the salt mines, walk my baby, feed my baby, order some Chinese food for the family and then chill the fuck out. Nothing more, nothing less. This is going to be my second sober weekend and trust me, I’m not planning on fucking it up by drinking, no matter what happens or how bored I get. So my homies and homettes, no matter what you do for fun tonight, enjoy it to the fullest, but be safe.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Colonoscopy Day

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OK my homies and homettes, the day of my colonoscopy is finally here. WOO-HOO! In a few hours, I will be at the mercy of The Assman. I have to say, that the first stage hasn’t been easy at all, since I haven’t been able to eat any solid food since 2:00 pm Monday, when I drank an over the counter laxative after I got home from the salt mines. Then yesterday, I had to drink 1 gallon of lemon flavored Gavilyte-N, in layman’s terms, it’s a another laxative, but that works by drawing large amounts of water into the colon.

Trust me my peeps, I’m not doing this because I think it’s going to be fun or to have something to blog about. As a matter of fact, I was planning on getting my first colonoscopy when I turn 50, which is on October of 2020. I’m doing it because around a month and a half ago, I experience rectal bleeding about 3 or four times, during the span of a couple of weeks. I saw my GP and after performing a digital rectal exam, he found some blood, so he referred me to The Assman. When The Assman concluded the digital rectal exam, he told me that everything looked good, and that he wasn’t that concerned about the bleeding, since it was intermittent. He decided to do the colonoscopy, only because he wanted to find the source of the bleeding. Hopefully it will be nothing but a false alarm due to some constipation, but it is always better to be safe than sorry.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

♫♪ Let It Flow ♫♪ Let It Flow ♫♪ Let It Flow ♫♪

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What up! What up! What up my homies and homettes!? OK, so today I had to take a vacation day from the salt mines, since yesterday, half way through the day, I started what The Assman calls “A 1 1/2 days bowel preparation”, ahead of Wednesday’s colonoscopy. Woo-Hoo! You have to keep in mind that this is a first for me, since I was going to get my first colonoscopy next year, when I turn 50. Lucky for me, that a good friend of mine, who is also a stupidvisor at the salt mines, advised me not to go into to work today, since I need to be very, and I don’t know how to emphasize this, but very close to a toilet at all times. I mean, I could work from the toilet, if they provide me with a laptop connected to the company’s WiFi and a wireless work phone. I just don’t know how the customers will feel and or react, when I’m talking to them about their bills, and then suddenly, they hear the sound of an upside down volcanic eruption.

To be honest with my loyal 1.5 readers, I’m not afraid of the colonoscopy, I just hate having to drink so much fucking liquid and not being able to eat any solid food for two fucking days. As a matter of fact, when I got home from the salt mines yesterday, I told my wife that I was thinking about calling The Assman’s office, to ask his assistant, if during these two days without eating solids, if at least I’m allowed to eat pussy? If you knew my wife, after 31 years of taking my shit, she has become an expert at ignoring my nonsense. But I do have to wonder, if asked, was The Assman’s assistant going to be able to answer my question, or was she going to have to get back to me on that? You see, those are the kind of questions that make me go… HMMMMM!

One last thing out of the top of my head kids. I personally and truly believe that people who are sneezing due to allergies, shouldn’t be allowed to take laxatives. I’m just throwing it out there.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

First Sober Weekend!

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Photo by Rakicevic Nenad on Pexels.com

What up! What up! What up my homies and homettes! I know that I haven’t posted in a couple of days, but that’s because I have been busy like a motherfucker at home and at the salt mines, plus I’m getting ready to see the Assman on Wednesday for my colonoscopy. But don’t worry about it my homies and homettes, after the procedure, I promise, that I will provide all of you with autographed wallet size pics, so you can carry them around in your purses and wallets and show it to your family, friends, co-workers and strangers in public transportation and the streets. So when you get the pics in your inbox, don’t think it’s a wormhole, because it’s my ass.

Also, just as I promised, I’ve stayed sober. As a matter of fact, the Boss made sure that I was fucking busy at home this past weekend, by driving her around, shopping and helping her do the laundry. Plus I went back to playing around with the old music production program my son and I bought a couple of years ago. From my teen years, aside from DJing, I’ve always loved messing around and mixing sounds. As a matter of fact, my dream was always to become a recording engineer, but shit happens, then we move on. Don’t worry kids, I won’t be posting any of my crazy ass music projects on this here crazy, insane and boring blog of mine.

P.S. On Thursday, remember to keep checking your inbox for my pics.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Her Suicide Note

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All jokes aside my peeps, this is a really sad and personal post for me, because a couple of times, when I was very young, my mother wanted commit suicide after my father left the family. When I was around 13 years old, one day, I contemplated jumping off the roof of the building were I currently live. I almost lost my son, when he went ahead with a suicide attempt, when he was only a teenager, and around 13 years ago, my best friend committed suicide.

The truth is, that yesterday… I was reading a story in The New York Post about a young Manhattan woman, who posted her suicide note on her website, then took her life. This is the first time in my entire life, that I have read a real suicide note, but in a way, I could kind of understand how she must have felt during her last few minutes. For some unknown reason, her note brought all the above memories back and I couldn’t stop thinking about this stranger’s last few minutes and what must have been passing through her mind as she made her final decision. Not only that, but I kept thinking about her mother, friends and the worried co-workers who called the cops after she did not show up for work. As a matter of fact, when I got home, I had to tell my wife how I was feeling, because it was just driving me crazy.

While at home writing and editing this post, it hit me… that the one time that I was looking down from the roof… the only reason why I didn’t jump was, because I started to think about my mother and how she gave birth to 9 children, 8 girls and then me. That even after having twins die at different ages from different health problems, she kept getting pregnant, and the only reason why she did it, was because all that she wanted, was to have at least one boy. Back in 1969, they didn’t have all the technology that we have today, so when she was pregnant with me, she said that if she gave birth to another girl, she would stop trying to have a boy. Then on Sunday October 19, 1969, I surprised her. While looking down from the roof, I asked myself. How can I do this to her and my sisters? What will happen to them? How will they handle it? So I walked away.

The following is an unedited copy… of what I’d rather call… Tara Condell‘s last note.

I Hate The Word “Bye”, But See You Later Maybe?

I have written this note several times in my head for over a decade, and this one finally feels right. No edits, no overthinking. I have accepted hope is nothing more than delayed disappointment, and I am just plain old-fashioned tired of feeling tired.

I realize I am undeserving of thinking this way because I truly have a great life on paper. I’m fortunate to eat meals most only imagine. I often travel freely without restriction. I live alone in the second greatest American city (San Francisco, you’ll always have my heart). However, all these facets seem trivial to me. It’s the ultimate first world problem, I get it. I often felt detached while in a room full of my favorite people; I also felt absolutely nothing during what should have been the happiest and darkest times in my life. No single conversation or situation has led me to make this decision, so at what point do you metaphorically pull the trigger?

I’m going to miss doing NYT crosswords (I was getting really good). That one charcuterie board with taleggio AND ‘nduja. Anything Sichuan ma la, but that goes without saying. A perfect plate of carbonara (no cream!). Real true authentic street tacos. Cal-Italian cuisine. Hunan Bistro’s fried rice. The pork belly and grape mini from State Bird Provisions circa 2013. Popeye’s of course. Bambas too.

I’m also going to miss unexpected hugs. Al Green’s Simply Beautiful. Cherries in July. Tracing a sleeping eyebrow. Smoking cigarettes. The Golden Gate Bridge at sunset. That first sip of iced cold brew in sticky August. Making eye contact with people walking down the street. When songs feel like they’re speaking to your soul. Jeopardy. Saying I love you. Late night junk food binges. Shooting the shit. And especially the no-destination-in-sight long walks.

No GoFundMes, no funeral, no tributes, no doing-too-much please. All I ask now is for you to have one delicious (I mean a really really great) meal in my honor and let me go, no exceptions.

It’s selfishly time for me to be happy and I know you can get down with that. Please try to remember me as a whole human you shared memories with and not just my final act. This is not your fault. It’s not exactly easy for me either, I’m here for you. I love you. I always have and I always will, I promise. Shikata ga’nai.

I’m coming home, Dad. Make some room up on that cloud and turn the Motown up.

I’m really sorry mama.

Always, TLC

It’s So Cold That…

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What up! What up! What up my homies and homettes! I have to say, that it is so fucking cold here in New York City, that I’ll either have to buy a Willie Warmer or a magnifying glass for when I need to take a piss. As I was writing this crazy, insane and boring post of mine, the temp is 4°, but it feels like if its -14°, so I’ll make sure that I keep the boys warm. Take care my peeps.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!