The Failure

It’s funny how sometimes I look back at my life and I feel that I have failed as a son, as a husband, as a father, as a brother and as a friend. I mean, I look back at a lot of decisions that I have made in my life… and I ask myself… Why? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I have been a dick or an asshole. It’s just that sometimes I think that I could have been a better person. I have always given others the benefit of the doubt and I have tried to be the best person that someone could meet in their lives. But sometimes… just sometimes… inside of me… it feels as if that hasn’t been enough. I feel that people have expected more from me… and I feel that actually… I should have given them more.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!


Alone With My Crazy Thoughts

From Monday through Friday, I use public transportation to get to work and back home. What really amazes me is, the amount of people who have their heads buried in the smartphones. I mean, don’t get me wrong, people can do whatever the fuck they want to do with their lives and time, but what gets to me is, that even people who are riding with family and friends, don’t even bother to interact with one another. You have to understand, that ever since I was around five years old, I have always liked to observe people and try to understand why they behave and act the way that they do. I know! I know! I know! I know! I know! I will never get to the bottom of it, but at least, it keeps my mind busy when I’m in public, plus it helps me with my racing thoughts and it keeps me away from looking at my stupid smartphone.

Sometimes I think that some people might feel awkward, weird or just out-of-place when they are in public, so they keep looking at their smartphones, even though they don’t have shit to look at, because to be honest with you, there is no WiFi signal in the subway tunnels here in New York City, it’s only available in the train stations. I guess that what I am trying to say is, that I feel comfortable just sitting in a train alone with my thoughts. But I think that there are people out there, who feel uncomfortable alone with their thoughts. Hey look! Even though I suffer from Pure-O OCD, I do hate some of my crazy and insane thoughts, but there is noting that I can do about them. The thing is, that I have learned to live with them and not let them bother me. In other words, people really have to feel comfortable being alone with their thoughts.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Coming To Terms With My OCD

For as far back as I can remember, I have suffered from Pure-O OCD (Purely Obsessional Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder). Throughout the years, I have tried many crazy meds, but only one of them actually helped with the intrusive thoughts, but that was only for a few days. My current shrink has tried numerous combinations of crazy meds, but to be honest with you, nothing has worked for me. When I got psychiatric help for the first time, I thought that I was going to be prescribed a magic pill, that was going to take all of the symptoms away. In the back of my mind, I thought that somehow, I was going to be just like everyone else… “normal”. For years and years, I thought that one day, my shrinks were going to find the right combination of crazy meds… or better yet, a cure.

To be honest with you, I still hate the fact that I suffer from Pure-O OCD, specially the shameful and ugly intrusive thoughts that keep popping up in my mind for no reason at all. I hate having to fight them off on a daily basis. I hate thinking and visualizing bad things about the people who I love so much. After dealing with it my entire life, I have come to understand, that for the rest of my life, I will be dealing with my OCD. Don’t get me wrong, they might come up with better and improved crazy meds, but the reality of it all is, that I can’t wish it or make it go away no matter how hard I try. You see, the thing is, that no matter what my OCD does to me mentally, I am me and not the other way around.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Are Some People Born Assholes, Or Do They Have To Work On It?

I know that I have criticized newspapers for publishing sensationalized stories, and I have said that I would cut down on my news consumption many times before. But the truth of the matters is, that I still do read online newspapers, but like my shrink told me once, I try not to overdose on them. Let’s be honest, too much news is not good for me and I know it. But getting back to this crazy and insane post of mine, I was reading an “exclusive story” on the New York daily news website titled “Queens school rejects student’s bid to add his name Malcolm X on senior sweater, then mocks him”, you can read it here.

To make a long story short, High School student Malcolm Xavier Combs was told by a school official, that Malcolm X, was someone who he didn’t want to be associated with. My question is… What the FUCK is wrong with some people these days!? I mean, why is it that some people can’t just shut the fuck up about things that doesn’t concern them? I just don’t get why some celebrities, government officials, politicians, school officials and so forth, who are out of touch with reality, have to open their big fucking mouth, in order to put others down? I mean! REALLY!?. I know that I blog about a lot of shits that I like, dislike and hate, but my ground rule is, that I can put myself down as many times as I want to, but I don’t do that shit to others, just so I can feel better about myself. Some people just need to learn when to shut the fuck up!

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Do Not Fucking Disturb Me!

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First things first! When it comes to technology, I can’t say that I am a pro, but I can surely say that I am savvy and  knowledgeable, plus I keep up to date with it. I’m the type of person, who has liked and has embraced technology from an early age. I even went as far as teaching myself, the basics of the BASIC programing language, back in the early 80’s. Even though I didn’t finish college back in early 2001, while attending, I was introduced to coding. I also have to add, that I own a personal computer, tablet and smartphone. But the thing is, that I don’t let technology interrupt my daily dealing with life. Specially my sleep.

The thing about me is, that I for example, do not receive or make none emergency calls to and from anyone before 12:00 pm and after 9:30 pm… that includes family and friends… and specially on the weekends, when I’m chilling like a villain at home. Call me crazy or old school, but that’s just a rule that I have been following for years. So, I just don’t fucking get assholes, that for some fucking stupid reason, think that I will pick up when they call me for none emergency shit, before 12:00 pm on a weekend. Hey look! If it is truly an emergency, they can leave me a message and I will get back to them as soon as possible. Other than that, I hate dumb-asses, that don’t have shit to do early in the morning or late at night and decide to start calling people to talk shit. The way that I look at it is… if you don’t have shit to do, don’t do it on my time!

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

There Are Jobs Out Here

Reporters keep mentioning how the economy is getting better and how more jobs are being created over time. Hey look! I am no expert and or don’t hold a degree in business or economics. But I can tell one thing… there are a lot of jobs out there. The way that I look at it is, that “some people” are more interested in finding jobs in a specific field, salary rate or both, which I find crazy in this economic day and age. The reason that I feel like that is, because even though I went to college, I never graduated. So what I am trying to say is, that throughout the years, I have held a lot of different jobs, from factory work to customer service representative.

My whole point is, that with a family to feed and bills to pay, I have never been picky when it comes to finding work. Since I don’t have a college degree, I just have to take whatever work comes along. You see, in my neighborhood, I’ve seen some young people complaining about the lack of jobs. But to be honest with you, the one thing that community activist and lawmakers don’t dare to say is, that there are jobs in my community, it’s just that they don’t pay what the young people “expect to be paid for the work that they perform”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of the young people who I see working in fast food joints and other businesses everyday in my neighborhood. I know what it is like, because I went through that. It’s just the handful that want to be lazy asses, that bother me. I know this, because I personally know a couple of them.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

I’m Not About The Money

Ever since the mid 80’s, I have been what’s known as a bedroom DJ. I have to say, that I do what I do, only because I love and enjoy mixing House music till the end, not because I lack the experience or because I have been a novice all this years. I remember back in the days, when my friends and I, used to throw house parties just for the hell of it. But I specifically remember the day, that a friend of mine and fellow DJ decided to sell his tapes and mine in the streets. A club owner had bought one of my tapes and offered me a job at his club in downtown New York City. To make the a long story short, I didn’t take it.

You see, I’m not like some people out there, who have the need for attention. Unlike others, I’m not about money and fame. I love mixing House music in the privacy of my home, because it is a hobby that I have loved and enjoyed for many, many years, plus mentally, it takes me to a place where I can just chill the fuck out, without drinking alcohol or getting high. Who knows, maybe if I had taken the job at the club back then, I could have been rich and famous. But you have to understand, that I’m not about the money. I’m about doing things for me, not to please others. I’m about enjoying what I like and not being famous, recognized, rewarded, awarded or criticized for it. I guess that what I am trying to say is, that for me, mixing music is not about making money and or being famous. It’s just about doing something that I have loved and enjoyed for so many years. Plus I like my alone time.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Life After Sleeve Gastrectomy Surgery

About three years I ago, I had a weight loss surgery that is known as a vertical sleeve gastrectomy. One thing that I will like to make clear is, that I didn’t have the surgery to look more attractive or sexier than what I am already. LOL! But on the serious side, being that I am 5′ 11″, my highest weight before the surgery was 270 Lbs. I have to say that because of my obesity, I was suffering from high blood pressure, high cholesterol, type II diabetes, ankle pain, knee pain and the two herniated disks in my lower back  were killing me. I was also on meds for my blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetes, plus I was also using insulin on a daily basis.

My point is, that there are many people who think that when a person has any type of weight loss surgery, life continues as usual. But the reality of it all is, that it doesn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret that I had the surgery, plus I went down to 190 Lbs and was taken off of all the meds, including the insulin. I have to also add, that because of one specific crazy med that I am on right now and because of my bad eating habits, I did gain 40 Lbs back… which I am currently working on. The thing is, that for the rest of my life, I have to take a daily dose of calcium and multi vitamins. The reason for that is, that I have a smaller stomach now, so the amount of food that I eat, is not enough to provide my body with the needed vitamins and minerals. My thing is, that some people have weight loss surgery for all of the wrong reasons.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

My So Called Friend

About 20+ years ago, I met a guy who lived right across the street from me, and after many, many years, we became good friends. I remember that we used to get drunk like crazy on the weekends. As a matter a fact, we used to hangout and have a lot of fun, because we shared similar sense of humor and taste in comedy and comedians. Our friendship was so fun, that back then, we used to go online, to just look for the weirdest porno shit that we could find, in order to outdo the other and then shared it with one another. A few years later, he met a woman who he fell in love with and in time he married her and she became the mother of his children.

The thing is, that his wife, for some unknown reason, never liked my wife or myself. My so-called friend moved out of the neighborhood with her and would come visit me from time to time, but he made it clear, that his wife couldn’t find out that he was visiting the old neighborhood… even if his mother still lived across the street from me, he didn’t even visited her. You see, the one thing that I noticed about his new friends was, that they were all his wife’s friend’s husbands and boyfriends. In other words, I later came to understand, that his wife didn’t like my wife and I, because she was the one, who decided who he was friends with. And that is the reason why I don’t pick up the phone, when he calls me every couple of months. Even though he is my so-called friend, I just don’t want him to get in trouble with his wife.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

I’m Too Old For That Shit

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I can say that I truly understand when young kids see others kids do something and they try to imitate them. I can go as far as to say, that I even understand teenagers that do the same, when it comes to following fashion trends. The reason for that is, that I remember that when I got my first job as a young teenager, I use to follow some of the latest fashion trends myself. I, like most kids from the hood, used to spend all of my money on expensive jeans, sneakers and other stuff, especially since my mother wasn’t able to afford them for me.

The whole thing is, that even before I hit my 20’s, I realized that I was just being a brand and or fashion slave. To be honest with you, absolutely no one had to tell me, how stupid it was to be loyal to brands. It just happened that one day, I realized how dumb and stupid I was, for spending my hard-earned cash on something, only because of the brand or because others were wearing it. Hey look! If someone can afford a product and they want to go out and buy it… good for them! The thing is, that I don’t want to hear that same person, bitch and moan about how they can’t pay their bills. I do have to say, that it is sad to see someone around my age camping out in front of a store for days, just to be one of the first to buy a stupid fucking phone. IT’S JUST A FUCKING DAMN PHONE!

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

I’m Done With Drinking Alcohol

Just to make it clear, I only drink on the weekends and not on my work days. So, for the past few weekends, like most of the time, I’ve been drinking. But the one thing that I’ve noticed is, that I am getting sick and tired of it. For some weird reason, I just feel like not drinking anymore. I mean, what is the whole point of drinking? Getting drunk and then feeling like shit the next day? That doesn’t even make sense to me anymore. The one thing that I have been noticing about getting older is, that the hangover are lasting more… like a couple of days.

I’ve been thinking about quitting drinking for a while, but it’s just like smoking. If you hangout with people who smoke, it is harder to quit. So I guess, I’ll just have to stay away from my drinking buddies for a while. Plus, I know for a fact, that there’s no health benefits from drinking. I just don’t get it. Why do I drink anyway? I guess I just do it to “have a good time with friends”. But to be honest with you, I could have a good time while I’m drinking with them, but then the next few days, I feel like shit. I know that when I stop drinking, I will feel good healthy wise. Why? Because I have been able to stay sober for a month with no problem. I’ll see how it goes, but I’m more sure that I will stay away from alcohol for a while. I really do feel good when I don’t drink.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

I Really Like My Job

No! No! No! No! No! I can assure you, that I’m not going crazy only because I have been off of Prozac for close to two months already, or because I am trying to suck up to my employer, manager or even my supervisor. The hell! I’m not even delusional! But it is true, I really enjoy my job. You see, for the last twelve years of my life, I have been working as a customer service representative for a large publicly held company in New York City. I have to add, that I have worked in three different departments, but they have all been under the customer operations umbrella. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my ups and downs, but I really can’t complain.

You see, my work days are from 8:00 am to 4:30 pm, but I usually get there at around 7:00 am and 7:15 am. Yes! I do have a crazy thing about getting to work early… and it has been like that my entire work life. On the other hand, every Friday I get a schedule from my supervisor through email, which tells me what I will be doing the following week… unless circumstances change, which sometimes they do. The whole thing is that 3/4 of the time, I get to take my breaks and lunch at whatever time I want to. I can also take as many smoke breaks as I want to. Plus I don’t have my supervisor breathing down my neck all of the time. The thing about my job is, that as long as I don’t make constant mistakes and I do all of my work, there is no need for me to interact with my supervisor, even though she works a few steps way from my desk. What I am trying to say is, that I have a great job with good pay and good medical benefits. What else can I ask for!

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Stop Enabling Stupid People

A few years ago, The Metropolitan Transportation Authority aka The MTA decided to provide cellular and WiFi signal to all of it 424 subway stations throughout New York City. Why? Maybe just because someone didn’t have shit to do and said… AHA! Or just simply, because most riders suffer from fear of missing out aka FoMo and they complained about it. Whatever the reason behind their stupid decision was, other riders like myself, ended up paying for it. What do I mean by that? Well, now that riders have full access to free underground cellular and WiFi signals in all of the city’s subway stations, it means that they can keep connected to what I just love to call the “antisocial networking sites and apps” and to top it all off, they can also make and receive stupid calls.

You see, there are two problems with giving stupid people access to cellular and WiFi signals underground. The first one is, that stupid people don’t think! And so they have loud conversations about shit that I really don’t give a flying fuck about, don’t want to listen to, or are none of my fucking business. And two, with access to “antisocial networking sites and apps”, they watch dumb-ass stupid videos with the cell phone volume blasted all the way up… remember, they are stupid people, so they don’t know why headphones were invented, what are they used for or in some cases, that they even exist. Plus keep in mind, that all of this shit is going on, while many of us are trying to have a quiet and comfortable ride to and from work.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Racist Rants And Comments

For many, many years, I have noticed that so many people from different race, religion and sex, have been using… specially Twitter, to say what they believe in, think and or feel about others. The problem with that is, that others might not feel or see things the same way as those people do, so they end up becoming targets. The thing with me is, that I grew up in a home where my father was a light skin Dominican man and my mother was an Afro-Dominican woman with dark skin. My whole point is, that I didn’t learn about racism until my family moved to New York City. I didn’t know about African slaves, until I learned about American history. In the home that I grew up in home, only the human race existed. In other words, everyone was equal, man, women, dark skin, light skin, tall, short, fat or skinny.

The way that I look at the Twitter racist comments and rants is, that in a way, it is good that some people and or groups are showing their true colors. Why? Because we get to know who is who and how they truly feel! But we can’t stop there, because people are not born with homophobic, racist, sexist or xenophobic believes and views. I personally believe, that when we encounter a person or a group with such hate inside, we must start a two-way conversation, in order to find out why that person or group of people feel like that. It is easy to judge others without knowing the cause, but the truth of the matter is, that it is better to try to understand the why. Don’t get me wrong here! I’m no expert at anything. I’m just saying, that we have to get to the root of the problem, in order to fix it. By attacking those individuals or group of people, we are not fixing anything. We have to get past that and learn from each other.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!