Alone With My Crazy Thoughts

From Monday through Friday, I use public transportation to get to work and back home. What really amazes me is, the amount of people who have their heads buried in the smartphones. I mean, don’t get me wrong, people can do whatever the fuck they want to do with their lives and time, but what gets to me is, that even people who are riding with family and friends, don’t even bother to interact with one another. You have to understand, that ever since I was around five years old, I have always liked to observe people and try to understand why they behave and act the way that they do. I know! I know! I know! I know! I know! I will never get to the bottom of it, but at least, it keeps my mind busy when I’m in public, plus it helps me with my racing thoughts and it keeps me away from looking at my stupid smartphone.

Sometimes I think that some people might feel awkward, weird or just out-of-place when they are in public, so they keep looking at their smartphones, even though they don’t have shit to look at, because to be honest with you, there is no WiFi signal in the subway tunnels here in New York City, it’s only available in the train stations. I guess that what I am trying to say is, that I feel comfortable just sitting in a train alone with my thoughts. But I think that there are people out there, who feel uncomfortable alone with their thoughts. Hey look! Even though I suffer from Pure-O OCD, I do hate some of my crazy and insane thoughts, but there is noting that I can do about them. The thing is, that I have learned to live with them and not let them bother me. In other words, people really have to feel comfortable being alone with their thoughts.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!


Coming To Terms With My OCD

For as far back as I can remember, I have suffered from Pure-O OCD (Purely Obsessional Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder). Throughout the years, I have tried many crazy meds, but only one of them actually helped with the intrusive thoughts, but that was only for a few days. My current shrink has tried numerous combinations of crazy meds, but to be honest with you, nothing has worked for me. When I got psychiatric help for the first time, I thought that I was going to be prescribed a magic pill, that was going to take all of the symptoms away. In the back of my mind, I thought that somehow, I was going to be just like everyone else… “normal”. For years and years, I thought that one day, my shrinks were going to find the right combination of crazy meds… or better yet, a cure.

To be honest with you, I still hate the fact that I suffer from Pure-O OCD, specially the shameful and ugly intrusive thoughts that keep popping up in my mind for no reason at all. I hate having to fight them off on a daily basis. I hate thinking and visualizing bad things about the people who I love so much. After dealing with it my entire life, I have come to understand, that for the rest of my life, I will be dealing with my OCD. Don’t get me wrong, they might come up with better and improved crazy meds, but the reality of it all is, that I can’t wish it or make it go away no matter how hard I try. You see, the thing is, that no matter what my OCD does to me mentally, I am me and not the other way around.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!