My Feelings Don’t Matter

Yesterday morning I was still feeling like shit, so when I woke up, I decided that I just didn’t want to take a bath. I just went back to bed and slept for an extra half hour. When I woke up, I got dressed, drank some coffee with cream, brushed my teeth, fed my dog and got ready to head on out to what I like to call the salt mines (work). The funny thing about my life is, that no matter how down, sad or depressed I feel in the morning, I have to put on a mask, walk out the door, go to work and act as if nothing is wrong with me. I think that is one of the hardest part about being a man… not being able to show my true emotions or feelings, because of course, I am a man and I naturally have to be strong. To be honest with you, that is a whole bunch of bullshit.

I keep reading that suicide is higher in men than women, and to be honest with you, I can understand why. Throughout life, men are taught to be strong no matter what we have to confront or go against. The reality of it all is, that we have feelings too, and Just like women, we can mentally breakdown. It’s just that we are taught, that out of the two sexes, we are supposed to be the strong one. We are not supposed to be cray babies. Like robots, we are not supposed to show any emotions. I know that a lot people have been trying to change that way of thinking for a while now, which is good. The only thing that I can do is, post my crazy thoughts and feelings on this here crazy blog of mine.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!


The Not So Perfect Life

Do you want to know who I find very stupid yet funny? The so-called lifestyle bloggers. I mean, these people blog about life, but when you look close… they are just a whole bunch of bullshitters. The thing is, that my whole life, I have always been honest with people and I have always liked people who have been honest with me, and that is the reason why I say, that lifestyle bloggers are full of bullshit, because they don’t have on ounce of honesty in their entire body.

The one thing that I like to let my loyal 1.5 readers is, that I don’t do this for fame and or money, I just do it to be able to say out-loud, the crazy shits that are going through my crazy mind and some of the things that I am currently dealing with in my life. So called lifestyle bloggers just love to portray their lives as being perfect… and I have to tell you, that there is no such thing as a prefect life. You can be as poor as poor can be, you can be as rich as rich can be or you can be right smack in the middle of everything, but I bet you one thing… your life is far from being perfect. That’s the reason why sometimes, you don’t see me post shit for days… because sometimes, life gets the best of me and I just feel like shit, and I just don’t feel like blogging. Maybe, just maybe, you have noticed, that lately, I have been trying to get into the habit of blogging, even when I feel like shit, just to get it out of my system or get out of the funk. The reality of it all is, that my life sucks… sometimes, then I move on. But I don’t try to hide that from my loyal 1.5 readers, because that’s just not me.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

My Little Princess

Yesterday was the second day that my 28-year-old daughter moved out… and to be honest with you, IT FUCKING SUCKS! This situation really takes me back, to when my sisters started to get married and move out to start their own families. You see, I am the youngest of seven children and the only boy, so to see them go, was really hard for me to understand. The whole thing about being a parent is, that no matter how old our children get, they will always be our little babies. Actually… I can only imagine how my mother must have felt, when I decided to move out of her apartment, with my wife and daughter. She probably felt as sad as I feel right now.

I do have to say, that we have been in contact through texting, plus I gave her a few dollars before she left. I also told her, that if she needed anything and I mean anything, just to let me know. The reality of it all is, that no matter how old she is or where ever she lives, she will always be my little princess.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!


Moving On

Today I really feel like shit, because after a fallout with her mother, my 28-year-old daughter moved out of the apartment. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve always knew that both of my kids will eventually move out on their own and go on their own journey, but the thing is, that I’d never thought that she was going to leave on bad terms with her mother. To make things crazier, they were both born on the same month and the same day, plus they have similar attitudes and behave similar. I know that things will work out, but for me, as a husband and as a father, it really hurts to see them like this. They do get along, it’s just that from time to time, they clash.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

The Failure

It’s funny how sometimes I look back at my life and I feel that I have failed as a son, as a husband, as a father, as a brother and as a friend. I mean, I look back at a lot of decisions that I have made in my life… and I ask myself… Why? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I have been a dick or an asshole. It’s just that sometimes I think that I could have been a better person. I have always given others the benefit of the doubt and I have tried to be the best person that someone could meet in their lives. But sometimes… just sometimes… inside of me… it feels as if that hasn’t been enough. I feel that people have expected more from me… and I feel that actually… I should have given them more.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Getting Back To Normal

Well good morning y’all! Wow! I have to say, that after a weekend of drinking, today is the first day that I feel kind of like back to normal. For the past few days, I felt like shit. And that only means one thing… that I won’t be drinking anytime soon for sure. I really must be crazy, to drink and then feel like shit for like two to three days. I mean, don’t get me wrong, at the time that I’m drinking, I don’t think about the hangover, I just think about the fun that I am having, but then, it hits me… THE HANGOVER!

I think that I am going to be sticking to reading books and watching old reruns of “Law and Order” and sitcoms that I enjoy watching so much. As for the drinking… I’ll live that to the professionals, because I really suck at getting back to normal, I really do. I mean, who in their right mind, will drink like a crazy person, then feel sick as hell for a couple of days? Well… a crazy man with a blog, that’s who!

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

From Rag To Riches

It’s funny, but for some weird reason, lately I have been reading books about successful people who started with nothing. People who were close to losing everything that they owned, broke and or even homeless. Don’t get me wrong, like I told my shrink a while back, I’m not planning on starting a business anytime soon. It’s just that for some weird reason, I find it fascinating, to learn how some of today’s multi-billion dollar corporations got started in the first place. I just like to learn, the history behind big brand names. How they went from absolutely nothing, to something big.

The one thing that I have noticed about old school entrepreneurs is, that they never set out to become millionaires or even billionaires. They started their companies, just because they wanted to work for themselves, not for someone else. They just wanted to have a successful business and make a living out of it. In other words, a business that would help them pay their bills and live a comfortable life. Which is something that I don’t see in today’s young entrepreneurs. Today, people want to start a business for fame and money, which I think are the wrong reasons to get into any type of business. But what do I know.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Life Is Not A Cliché… Enjoy

Like I have mentioned before, I didn’t know how long I was going to stay sober. So I had a couple of beers last night, so what! You have to understand, that I like to be me, not what others want me to be. I stayed sober… or better yet, I didn’t drink for three weekends in a row. Just keep in mind, that I don’t see myself as being an alcoholic, I just drink way too much, when I get started, that’s all. What did I do when I drank last night? The usual… I listened to some old school House, Freestyle and Hip Hop music. You see, I’m not the type of drinker, who likes going to bars or parties and get into trouble. I just love staying home, playing or mixing some good old school music and enjoy myself.

My whole point is, that you have to be yourself… as long as you are not an asshole or a dick, then you are good to go. Go out, enjoy yourself, do the things that makes you happy. My only advice is… don’t fuck up on purpose! Don’t be an asshole! Don’t be a dick! Just enjoy yourself and have fun with the people who are around you. Hey look, we get to live just once and we have to enjoy it. If you’ve been reading my crazy and insane posts, you’ll know by now, that I feel like shit from time to time. But to be honest with you, I eventually look at the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that, that might be a cliché, but I have to say, that is the honest truth. Sometimes life sucks, but we can’t just give up when the shit hits the fan. If Phil Knight, Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos and others, would have given up when they were against the wall, where would they be right now? Just think about that one for a second.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all! 

He Didn’t Put Me In The Padded Room

First things first my peeps! Today is Friday and it is the start of what I like to call my weak days. Why do I call it that? Because I love to binge drink on the weekends. In other words, I’m weak on the weekends, when it comes to drinking. But no worries, I’m looking forward to staying sober this weekend, which is going to be my fourth sober weekend. I do feel good about not drinking for so long, but what I really want to do is, beat my own sober record of four weekends. I mean, I’m not saying that I’m staying sober for the rest of my life, I’m just staying sober for a little while. How long? I really can’t say.

On another note! Yesterday I saw my shrink Dr. C. I did talk to him about my morning depression and how I’ve been feeling like shit in the morning. He did mention that he would like to try Lithium again, but first I’ll need to get some blood work done. So right now, I’ll have to get the paperwork from my primary doctor and then I can get the blood work done. I did try Lithium before, but I was only on a low dosage, because I didn’t get the blood work done at all. So, I never got to a therapeutically level at all. I did tell Dr. C, that I will get the blood work done within the next two weeks.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Session With My Shrink

First things first my peeps! If my calculations are right, today is my 25th sober day and like always, I feel like Tony the fucking tiger… GRRREAT! To be honest with you, I’m really proud of myself, since I haven’t been sober for so long in a long ass time. Right now, I’m really looking to stay sober for more than a month, which means, that I will be breaking my sober record. To be honest with you, I had my stinking thinking moments, but I dismissed them without a second thought. Plus I’ve been enjoying something that I really like to do, which is reading book written by some interesting people.

As for today, I will be seeing my shrink Dr C. As a matter of fact, in our session today, I will be bringing up, how I’ve been feeling like shit lately, but especially in the morning. I know that it might be connected to so much shit that I have on my plate right now. I guess that I have to learn how to deal with all that shit. I mean, don’t get me wrong, things will eventually get better, because they always do. It’s just that sometimes, it is just overwhelming for me. Sometimes, I just feel like if I can’t deal with it all anymore. Sometimes I just feel, like if everything is going out of control… if you know what I mean. But what can I say… that’s just life. Like they say… it is what it is.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Sometimes My Life Feels Like Shit

To be honest with you, as I write this post, I’m at work, feeling like shit. I’ve always hated using the word depression, for many, many years, whenever I feel like shit, I say that I feel down, not depressed. To be honest with you, this morning I felt so down, that I didn’t even bother to take a bath. I just got dressed, brushed my teeth and gave my crazy and insane dog some cheddar cheese, which he loves in the morning and changed his water. I know that I have a great and very loving family, which includes my crazy dog too. A good paying job with great benefits and great co-workers, but still, sometimes I feel as if there is something missing. I feel as is everything is just falling on top of me and I can’t get away from it all. I just feel like crying for no apparent reason or just screaming my lungs out.

Sometimes I look around and I just feel empty inside. I just want something more, but I just can’t seem to put my finger on what it is that I want out of life. It’s just like if I want to do things, but then again, I don’t have the energy or will to get off of my ass and do those things. Sometimes I just find life to be so fucking boring. As I have said many, many times before… I feel as if I’m stuck in a fucking hamster wheel. Everyday is just the same old shit. Nothing new, just the same old shit, day in and day out. I know that this feeling will eventually pass, but it really sucks feeling like this. Plus, I will be seeing my shrink Dr. C tomorrow, so I’ll just hang on.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

What’s New?

First things first my peeps! Today is my twenty-third sober day and like always… I feel like Tony the fucking tiger… GRRREAT! No anxiety, depression or hangover whats so ever. Because of that, I have gone back to doing something that I really enjoy… and that is reading. Believe or not, when I don’t drink alcohol for a while, since I have a lot of time on my hands and since I feel good health wise, I enjoy reading an interesting book from time to time. Surprised? Don’t worry, when I stayed sober for a while before, my wife and kids were also surprised, to see me reading a couple of books in just one month. They’ve never seen me reading anything before… well except for newspapers, letters and menus.

On another note! I don’t know if you’ve noticed by now, that last week I decided to change my blog’s name from “A crazy GUY with a blog” to “A crazy MAN with a blog”. Why you might ask? Well, I felt that the word “guy” was kind of like childish, compared to the word “man”. So I checked and the new domain name was available, so I bought it. Don’t worry about it, my crazy and insane blog posts are still going to be the same. What I’m trying to say is, that only because the blog name changed, absolutely nothing’s going to change. I’m still the same old crazy guy… or better yet, crazy man who I have always been.

With that Said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

I Feel Good!… So Good!


This past weekend was my third sober weekend in a long ass time, and like always, I feel like Tony the tiger… GRRREAT! To be honest, I did have a few times when I had stupid thinking, when I felt like just having a few beers. But then I came to my senses and asked myself. WHY? I mean, throughout these three sober weekends, I have been feeling great, with no anxiety, depression or hangover. Don’t get me wrong, because while I was shopping with my wife on Saturday, I saw a couple of people buying cases of beer, and that was one of the times, when I thought about getting a case for myself. But then it hit me and I asked myself. Do I want to feel like shit, the next day?

Even my father in law, who is staying with us and my friends who were playing poker, asked me if I wanted to have a couple of beers, since they were drinking. My answer was no. The reality of it all is, that I really don’t know how long I want to stay sober. In other words, I didn’t make a plan, set a goal or even a date, as to when I’m going to drink again. Right now, I’m just enjoying the way that I feel without drinking. I also have to mention, that I don’t drink on regular weekdays, my problem is that I binge drink on the weekends. So for now, I’m just staying away from alcohol and enjoying my sober weekends to the fullest.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Sometimes Life Sucks And Then Some

I remember that when I was around twelve years old, there was a lot of tension going on in my family. My father was a very strict man and my older sisters had grown up and wanted to do as they pleased. The thing is, that one day, my father decided that enough was enough for him, and so he picked up his belongings and while nobody was home, he just walked away and left the family. I’m not going to say that life was easy, but we did survive. I’m not even going to say, that I went on to become a college graduate and I’m living a fairy-tale life. The thing is, that I dropped out of high school when I was around sixteen years old. But I used to blame my father for all the shit that I went through in life, but then I came to realize that I was to blame for my own fuck ups.

What I am trying to say is, that right now, there are times in my life, when I just want to walk away from everything. I just want to leave everything behind me and start a new life in a quiet small town. A place like the Cheers sitcom intro song says… “a place where every knows your name… and they are always glad you came”. A small town, with a population of only a couple of hundred people. Somewhere that I could just grow old and die alone. Do you want to know what the funny part of it all is? That… it’s just a thought. I just feel like that, when things are going downhill for me. But like everything else in life… I will get over it and eventually move on.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!