My Racing Thoughts Are Back

Just the same way that I have been suffering from OCD from as far back as I can remember, I have also been dealing with racing thoughts. I remember people calling it day dreaming, but once I got older and figured out how bad they have been affecting me, and then my shrink telling me what they are called,  I have been trying to deal with them with no luck.

While I was still drinking, my shrink told me many times, that I was using alcohol to self-medicate, and to be honest, he was right. The truth is, that when I drink alcohol, my mind quiets down, so I don’t have to deal with any anxiety, depression, sadness, worries, mood swings and intrusive or racing thoughts.

This morning, I woke up stressed and moody, and as I was taking a bath, I was able to put my finger on the cause… racing thoughts. I have been experiencing them for the last week or so, but I wasn’t putting much attention to them. Now, they are getting to me.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Don't Be A Dry Drunk!

Good morning and Happy Sunday my homies and homettes. I hope that you enjoy your day to the best of your ability. Remember to take it one day at a time, but if you are a weekend binge drinker like me, then take it one weekend at a time.

I have to say, that yesterday, while I was walking my furbaby Nino, I felt great. The temperature was warmer than normal here in New York City, but it was a little windy. And to be honest, just being sober and feeling the warm wind touch my body, was amazing. I felt like if I was experiencing it for the first time in my life.

There were a lot of things that I took for granted while I was drinking. So now, since I’m sober, I’m taking my time to enjoy them. Try to do the same kids, don’t just sit around thinking about the past and what could have been, read a book, go out for a walk, do something. But for God’s sake, don’t be a dry drunk.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Sobriety Counter: 36 Days = 1 Month And 5 Days

I've Never Clicked With AA

OK boys and girls, yesterday after I dropped off my little princess and her boyfriend at home from the airport, I did get to see my shrink Dr. C, and I have to say, that it was great. He was very happy that I have been sober for 1 month and 2 days… but… you know that there is always a big fat BUT… BUT… he asked me if I had been going to AA meetings, as he previously suggested. At which time I didn’t want my nose to grow, so I said no. Plus I don’t hide shit from him, because if I do, then he won’t be able to help my crazy ass.

You see, the thing is, that even though 8 years ago, I voluntarily put myself in a 30 days inpatient alcohol rehab facility in upstate New York for my weekend binge drinking, and I stayed sober for 5 years after that, I have never been able to click with Alcoholic Anonymous. Dr C knows this, because he became my shrink, right after I was released from rehab for good behavior… OK, after my 30 days were up.

OK, I’m not gonna go into deep, deep details here, but let me put it the same way that I put it to Dr C. My balls were getting literally irritated, every time that the same people, who have been sober for 5, 10, 15 and even 20 years, kept sharing the same old stories at different meetings, and started to cry, like the shit just happened yesterday. I mean, if I had been sober for so many years, trust me, I would have been crying… but from so much fucking joy, not sadness. So, I got tired of the same shit, and that is the reason why I never clicked with AA.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Today I have Been Sober For 1 Month And 3 Days!

I'm Off To See My Shrink

Later today, when I get released from the salt mines for good behavior. I’m heading straight to see my shrink Dr. C. I know that he is going to be pleased with me, because I’ve stayed sober since I saw him last month. But one thing that I will be talking to him about is, my uncontrollable worrying and overthinking things. I know that I don’t have control over everything that will happen in life, but sometimes, my OCD plays tricks on.

Aside from the crazy meds, I really like talk therapy, because when I walk out of Dr. C’s office, it feels like if a ton of bricks was lifted from my shoulders.

OK kids, forget about all the shit that I said above. As I’ve always said, married men, specially the ones with children cant’s make plans for shit, because there’s always a last minute change by some higher power or powers, and this is my case in point.

So here I go! When I was almost ready to head on out to the salt mines this morning, my 29 year old daughter, who is on vacation with her boyfriend in The Dominican Republic, called me. She wanted to let me know, that they were on their way to the airport. If you have adult children, you know that’s not the end of the story. She also mentioned… here it goes… that they didn’t have someone to pick them up at the airport, when they land in New York City. I bet a million dollars, that you can see where this is going, RIGHT!?

So, since my wife had a doctor’s appointment, which at the time, she didn’t know had been canceled, guess who was the the next person in the royal hierarchy? YEAP! That’s right… The big cheese, the big kahuna, the main man, the fat cat, el presidente, el hombre, the man, the so called boss… ME!

So, me being the loving dad that I have always been, always taking care of his little princess, had to call my stupidvisor and put in for a vacation day. I’m still going to see my shrink at 5:30 pm, but I have to pick them up at the airport at around 1:30 pm. Now you see why married men with children can’t make plans?

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Today I have Been Sober For 1 Month And 2 Days!

My Experience With Hangxiety

I clearly remember that I started experiencing hangxiety, back in the mid 90’s, when I was in my mid 20’s, and I didn’t understand what the hell was going on. The thing is, that I have always been extremely shy and I suffer from social anxiety, so I used alcohol as a way to reduce both. But the next day, it heightened the feelings of anxiety that I already had, triggering depression and feelings of guilt or worthlessness.

A couple of weeks ago, one thing that I finally came to understand about my weekend binge drinking was, that because of my mental disorders, I was self-medicating, and in term I was just going in a vicious circle that was never going to end, unless I took action. Now, I can see that, but while I was in that circle, I couldn’t understand my destructive behavior. Not only that, but I haven’t had to deal with no hangxiety ever since.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all! 

Today I Have Been Sober For 1 Month!

Me, Myself And My OCD

Good morning and happy Monday my homies and homettes. I hope that you enjoy your new day to the fullest.

It has been a couple of weeks since I had my last beer and also, that I started taking my crazy meds on a daily basis, and to be honest, when it comes to my Bipolar II disorder and OCD, mentally, I feel way better than when I was at that dark time and in that dark place of my life.

The one thing that I have come to accept is, that no matter how hard I try and no matter how many crazy meds I take, my OCD intrusive thoughts will never go away. They come out of the blue and sometimes they are very scary, but one thing for sure is, that I have never acted them out.

Only because a fucked up intrusive thought pops into my head, doesn’t mean that I am that person. It only means, that my brain is not wired properly, and so I must learn how to deal with it and work hard, to feel better. The one thing that I did learned after my last binge drinking episode was, that alcohol doesn’t make it better. The reality of it all is, that in the end, it makes it worst.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Today Is My 31st Sober Day!

Why My Sobriety Only Matters To Me

Good morning and happy Sunday my homies and homettes. I know that Sunday is the second worst day of the week, following Monday. But I hope that you enjoy your day to the fullest and don’t let thinking about tomorrow fuck it up for you.

One thing that I have learned throughout the years is, to never get sober for someone other than yourself. The reason for that is, that if the other person lets me down, I will use that as an excuse, to go back to drinking.

In the past, I had people tell me how happy and proud they were, that I was sober, only to turn around and drink alcohol in front of me. I mean, REALLY? What type of shit is that? That’s how I came to understand and realize, that my sobriety matters to me. Only Me. Me alone.

Don’t get me wrong now. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have the support of others, it’s just that they will not keep you sober. Only you can do that.

With that said, I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Today Is My 30th Sober Day!