My Morning Depression And My Crazy Meds

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First things first my peeps! Wherever you are in this crazy planet of ours, good morning, good afternoon, good evening and good night. As always, enjoy your Saturday to the fullest and don’t let nobody fuck it up for you no matter what happens, why it happens, how it happens or where it happens. On a drinking side of things, today marks my nineteenth day without alcohol and I feel like Tony the fucking tiger… GRRRRREAT!

On a morning depression and crazy meds note! When I saw my shrink Dr. C on Thursday, I did mention to him that I have felt like shit on Tuesday and Wednesday morning. I also told him, that I had just realized, that on Saturday and Sunday, I forgot to take my Prozac, because I was very busy. But we figured out, that since it takes a couple of weeks for Prozac to get out of my system, my mistake couldn’t have been the problem. When I got home that evening, I realized that maybe, just maybe, I think that I forgot to take my Risperidone for two nights in a row and that might have caused all the symptoms that I was experiencing those mornings. The thing is, that for one reason or another, sometimes I do forget to take my crazy meds, which I know I shouldn’t because when that happens, sometimes my brain starts to go bat shit crazy on me. I might have to set up an alarm on my phone, but I hate it because I feel like a fucking child. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t have to take the damn crazy meds, but the truth is… that it is what it is.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

My Social Anxiety Really Sucks!

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What up! What up! What up! What up y’all! Happy hump day and I hope that wherever you are in this crazy and insane planet of ours, you are having a great morning, noon, evening or night. Whatever applies to you. Remember to enjoy it to the fullest and don’t let nobody fuck it up for you no matter what happens. As for today at work, I will be on the dreaded phone. I like my job, it’s just that I hate taking calls. Don’t get me wrong, it’s like I tell people all the time, when I worked at the call center for two years, I was traumatized. That’s why I hate it so much. But it is what it is.

On a dreaming note! Since the mid 80’s I’ve always enjoyed being a bedroom DJ. But there are times, when I dream of mixing in a well-known club to a large crowd. Back in the days I used to sell my mixed tapes, I was the official DJ for my friend’s house parties and I was also one of the best DJs in my neighborhood. The thing is, that it’s only a dream, because due to my social anxiety disorder, I couldn’t address a group of five complete strangers, even if my life depended on it. The Prozac has helped me a lot, but there are still situations that get me anxious and nervous. That’s the reason why I enjoy mixing House music in my bedroom. Plus no drunk people will ever bother me, requesting that I play their stupid special songs.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

A Killing Someone Kind Of Sunday

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What up! What up! What up! What up y’all! Happy Sunday and I hope that wherever you are, you are having a great morning, afternoon, evening or night. Enjoy it to the fullest and always remember, do not… I repeat… do not let absolutely nobody fuck it up for you no matter what happens. I have to say, that today is my sixth sober day and  I feel like Tony the tiger… GRRRRREAT! Why? Because my problem with drinking alcohol is only on the weekends, so I can say that I passed my first sober weekend in a while, with flying colors. I know that there are more where that one came from.

On another OCD note! I have suffered from OCD for as far as I can remember, but the thing that I hate most about my OCD are the intrusive violent thoughts, about hurting or killing someone. Just imagine, you are chilling with someone… THEN SUDDENLY, YOU VISUALIZE YOURSELF STABBING THAT PERSON TO DEATH! THEN CHOPPING THE BODY UP INTO PIECES AND PUTTING THEM IN A GARBAGE BAG!!! Not so nice, is it? Well, I can tell you, that I have to deal with that type of shit on a daily basis. But don’t worry, people with OCD never act out their thoughts. We know that they are irrational and wrong, and that is why we suffer in silence so much. Because we want to stop them and make them go away. But we can’t.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

My Mental Health: My Gift And My Curse

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Good morning and happy throw back Thursday y’all! Like always, I hope that you are having a great morning, noon, evening or night depending on where you find yourself at this moment in time in this crazy planet of ours. Also, don’t forget to enjoy your day to the fullest and please, do not let nobody fuck it up for you no matter what happens. As for the picture, that is my mother who I lost to breast cancer close to twenty-two years ago and me, celebrating one of my birthdays back in the 90’s. Well, I bet you knew that it was the 90’s, because of my EXTRA LOUD! shirt. Don’t laugh, my wife made me wear it. But in her defense… that shirt was really fucking hot back then… Boyeeeee!

On a positive mental illness note! I’ll bet anything, that what you have heard about Bipolar II disorder and OCD has always been negative. I can’t really blame you, because I have said a few bad things about my old friends who I love to hate, but hate to love in this here crazy blog of mine, so I share some of the blame. The funny thing is, that even as bad as it gets for me sometimes, they actually help me come up with blog posts ideas. You see, my bipolar racing thoughts and my OCD intrusive violent thoughts, always keep me mentally busy and with a lot of material to work with. It’s just that sometimes, I have so many drafted ideas, that I can’t remember what I was thinking at the time that I started them, so I end up deleting most of them. So on the one hand, they are my blogging gift per say, but on the other hand, they are my curse.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

When I Met Another OCD Sufferer

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Good morning and happy Tuesday y’all! Like always, I hope that you are having a great morning, noon, evening or night depending on where you find yourself at this moment in time in this crazy planet of ours. Also, don’t forget to enjoy your day to the fullest and please, do not let nobody fuck it up for you no matter what happens.

On a OCD note! I think that it’s really funny, that I have suffered from OCD for as far back as I can remember, yet I’ve only met someone else who suffers from it in person only once. I have to say, that it was a really cool experience for me, because as soon as we started to talk about our OCD at my first shrink’s office, there was an instant click or better yet, I felt as if I knew this person for a very long time. We started telling each other what our OCD made us do and the crazy intrusive thoughts that we had. I never thought that I would meet someone like that in my entire life. Someone who I had so many similarities with. I think that it was the first and last time in my life, that I actually felt comfortable talking about all the crazy things about my OCD. You have to understand, that I find that the hardest part about my OCD, is actually telling someone my crazy, insane, ugly and violent intrusive thoughts. It’s even hard to talk to my shrink about them. For a while, I thought about attending or joining a OCD support group here in New York City, but my work schedule and personal life won’t allow me to. Right now, I’m looking for an online group. If you know of a good one, please let me know.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Me, Myself And My OCD

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Good morning and happy Monday y’all! I know what you are thinking right about now… Who the fuck has a happy Monday Tony? I have to tell you, I do hate Mondays too, but that is only because I have to get back on the old hamster wheel again. To me, Mondays feel like the first day back to work from a short vacation. But like always, I hope that you are having a great morning, noon, evening or night depending on where you find yourself at this moment in time in this crazy planet of ours. Also, don’t forget to enjoy your day to the fullest and please, do not let nobody fuck it up for you no matter what happens.

On a OCD note! The other day, for some weird reason, I started to think about the time when I was a kid growing up with OCD. Because of my violent intrusive thoughts, I was always afraid that I was going to snap and hurt myself or others. It wasn’t just the being afraid, it was also the anxiety that it created. I can’t explain how, but for some reason, I knew that I was different compared to my friends. I also thought that I was going to touch someone inappropriately, hurt someone, rape someone or even murder someone. The graphic and detailed images that came with the violent thoughts, were horrible to say the least. Most of the time, I was anxious, afraid or nervous about anything and everything, because my OCD always told me, that something bad was going to happen, especially to me and or loved ones. I guess that what I’m trying to say is, that if you know or meet someone who suffers from OCD, keep in mind, that no matter what happens, that person will never act out his/her intrusive thoughts.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

The Risperidone Side Effect

 

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Good morning and happy Saturday y’all! As always, I hope that you are having a great morning, noon, evening or night depending on where you find yourself at this moment in time in this crazy planet of ours. Also, don’t forget to enjoy your day to the fullest and please, do not let nobody mess it up for you no matter what happens. Remember to say good morning, good night, please, thank you, hello and goodbye with a smile on your face… trust me it won’t kill you. Unless you say it to a serial killer!

First things first!… For those of my loyal two or three readers who might not know by now, Risperidone is an atypical antipsychotic drug that in my case, was prescribed to me, in order to keep my bipolar II disorder mood swings under control. The thing is, that even though I have been taking it once a day for a couple of weeks now and only at night, compared to before when I took it twice a day and I was falling asleep at work, right now I’m still waking up in the morning feeling drowsy. I’ve noticed that it stays in my system for around twelve hours or so. My problem is, that I can’t take it at 5:00 pm because I have things to do when I get home from work at around 5:15 pm… I can’t even do that on the weekends. Yesterday, the only solution that I came up with, was taking half a pill instead of an entire one. I guess I’ll just have to go with that plan for a couple of days and see how it goes with the drowsiness and my mood. Fingers crossed! Then I’ll let my shrink Dr. C know about it, when I see him again in our next session. I know that he will understand, because he always works with me with everything that I need.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!