June Session With My Shrink

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Today after work, I will be seeing my shrink Dr. C. The whole thing is a good thing and a bad thing at the same time. Why is it a good thing? Because even though I only see him once a month, I really enjoy talk therapy, and when I leave his office, I feel like if a thousand pounds were lifted off of my shoulders. Why is it a bad thing? Because my wife called him last week and talked to him about my weekend binge drinking, which he already knows about, but I don’t know what my wife had told him. I did called him yesterday, to confirm our session on June 14th and I asked him if in fact, my wife had called him, at which time he said yes.

The thing is, that when I started to see him around eight years ago, I signed a paper, that says, that he can give my wife any information that she requests. Why? Because I have been with her for so many years, that she might actually know me better than… ME! To be honest, I’m not nervous, because I really like him and I have always liked the way that he treats and works with me. I just hope that I don’t get sent to the loony bin though. Fingers crossed. Bwahahahahaha!

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

I Hate The Phone Thursday

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First things first my peeps! Wherever you are in this crazy planet of ours, good morning, good afternoon, good evening and good night. As always, enjoy your Wednesday to the fullest and don’t let nobody fuck it up for you no matter what happens, why it happens, how it happens or where it happens.

On a work note! One thing for sure is that today I am not going to be that happy at work, because as you can see on my work schedule, I am on the dreaded phone. I mean, I really can’t complain, because my supervisor did tell me that she gave a break from the phone on Tuesday and Wednesday, but I still hate the fucking phone. I think it’s not about dealing with different government agencies and a few customer calls a day. It’s more about handling the calls while trying to process government payments and doing other things at the same time. I just hate the multitasking aspect of it all, because I have made mistakes in the past and I hate having to stop one thing half way, then to go back to it and try to figure out where I left off. Like they say… it is what it is. Plus what really matters is, that it pays the bills.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

OCD: Wire Attached To Me

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What up! What up! What up! What up y’all! I just hope that wherever you are in this crazy planet of ours, you are having a good morning, good afternoon, good evening or good night. As always, enjoy your Thursday to the fullest and try to have some fun while you are at it.

On another OCD note! Just yesterday, I was reading a blog post by blogger oryx1993 at her blog titled “The Easy Kill”. It’s funny, because she wrote “I used to act like there was a wire attached to me and retrace my steps in order to not get it tangled. I knew it was irrational, but it made me feel less anxious if I took the exact same route back as i had taken to get somewhere”. You see, the thing is, that for the first time in my whole life, someone who suffers from OCD, mentions something that I used to do when I was a kid suffering from OCD. I used to do the same exact thing as she did. Even though I consider everyone’s OCD to be different, we still share similarities when it comes to obsessions, compulsions and rituals. In a way, it is really comforting, because I have come to realize, that I am not going crazy, but specially, that I am not alone in my fight. It really does help to communicate with others who are dealing with OCD. Not because they are also suffering, but because I can relate to them.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

On My Way To See My Shrink

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First things first my peeps! Wherever you are right now in this crazy planet of ours, good morning, good afternoon, good evening and good night. As always, enjoy your Thursday to the fullest and don’t let nobody fuck it up for you no matter what happens, why it happens or how it happens. On a drinking side of things, today marks my seventeenth day without alcohol and I feel great. If I don’t drink this coming weekend, it’s going to be my third alcohol free weekend. Woo! Hoo!

On a mental state of mind note! I have to say, that today I didn’t wake up feeling any morning depression, like the past two days, which is a good thing. I only woke up hungry and with a headache, which I can handle with breakfast and some painkillers. Today I have an appointment after work with my shrink Dr. C. But due to my car being in the shop for a couple of weeks, I’m currently broke, so I called Dr. C and left him a voice mail message, asking him if I could still see him today and pay him my co-payment next month when I see him again. I know that he won’t have a problem with it, because we’ve done it before and what matters to him is, that I don’t cancel our session. I just like to run it through him first, because that’s the responsible thing to do. I hope that after I see him today, he doesn’t lock me up in the padded room. Fingers crossed… Bwahahahahaha!

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

What If She’s Raped And Murdered?

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Dealing with my OCD my whole life, has not only been a roller coaster ride, but it also has been learning experience about compassion. Even though I have the intrusive violent and graphically detailed thoughts, they don’t dictate who I am as a human being. Throughout my dealing with the disorder, I have learned to listen, understand and how to work with others. OCD is also known as a bully, a doomsayer or the doubting disorder. I can tell you with assertion, that the names fit correctly, because out of nowhere, it bullies me, it tells me that bad things are going to happen and it also questions my decision-making skills over and over again.

Let me tell you a short story about my OCD. A couple of weekends a month, my wife goes out to the local casino with a couple her girlfriends. I really don’t mind, but my OCD always tells me that something bad is going to happen to her. The only time that I don’t worry is, when I’m under the influence of alcohol or what the medical professionals call, self medicating. So while I’m chilling at home, the doomsayer kicks in and starts telling me, that when my wife parks the car and walks home with her girlfriends, they will be attacked and she’s going to be raped and killed by some nut case or cases. The worst thing about it is, that it presents me the whole thing, with vivid images as it is happening. I know that it might not sound rational. But who ever said that my OCD is rational? You see, when it comes to my OCD, those and more are the kind of thoughts that I have to deal with on a daily basis. In other words… Welcome to my mind.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

My Mental Health: My Gift And My Curse

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Good morning and happy throw back Thursday y’all! Like always, I hope that you are having a great morning, noon, evening or night depending on where you find yourself at this moment in time in this crazy planet of ours. Also, don’t forget to enjoy your day to the fullest and please, do not let nobody fuck it up for you no matter what happens. As for the picture, that is my mother who I lost to breast cancer close to twenty-two years ago and me, celebrating one of my birthdays back in the 90’s. Well, I bet you knew that it was the 90’s, because of my EXTRA LOUD! shirt. Don’t laugh, my wife made me wear it. But in her defense… that shirt was really fucking hot back then… Boyeeeee!

On a positive mental illness note! I’ll bet anything, that what you have heard about Bipolar II disorder and OCD has always been negative. I can’t really blame you, because I have said a few bad things about my old friends who I love to hate, but hate to love in this here crazy blog of mine, so I share some of the blame. The funny thing is, that even as bad as it gets for me sometimes, they actually help me come up with blog posts ideas. You see, my bipolar racing thoughts and my OCD intrusive violent thoughts, always keep me mentally busy and with a lot of material to work with. It’s just that sometimes, I have so many drafted ideas, that I can’t remember what I was thinking at the time that I started them, so I end up deleting most of them. So on the one hand, they are my blogging gift per say, but on the other hand, they are my curse.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!